Tag: mental health

Forgiveness for others, for yourself

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

The Struggle of Forgiveness: Why Letting Go is Vital for Mental Health

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful acts of healing we can do for ourselves, but it’s also one of the hardest. Whether you’re struggling to forgive someone who has hurt you, or battling the guilt of not forgiving yourself, it can feel like an impossible task. However, forgiveness is essential for mental health, peace of mind, and moving forward in life. It’s a powerful tool that can free us from pain, resentment, and the weight of negative emotions that hold us back. But why is it so challenging, and how can we move past the struggle to heal?

Why is Forgiveness So Hard?

Forgiveness can feel like giving up your right to be angry, hurt, or upset. When someone wrongs us, the emotions can run deep. There’s often a sense of betrayal, hurt, or disappointment. It’s natural to want to hold onto these feelings, because it feels like protecting yourself. In the case of self-forgiveness, it can be even harder. How do you forgive yourself for things you regret? The shame and guilt can feel overwhelming, and it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you don’t deserve forgiveness.

But what if we told you that holding onto these feelings is actually making things worse? Unforgiveness doesn’t hurt the person who wronged you—it hurts you. It keeps you stuck in the past and prevents you from moving forward in life. It can affect your mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, and stress. Holding onto guilt or resentment also weighs on your heart, mind, and body, making it harder to find peace and joy.

The Impact of Unforgiveness on Mental Health

The emotional and physical toll of unforgiveness is real. Studies have shown that carrying the burden of anger or regret can lead to increased stress, lower immunity, and even chronic health issues. When we hold on to unresolved emotions, they can manifest as tension, sleeplessness, headaches, and more. In the long run, harboring unforgiveness can even contribute to deeper mental health challenges, such as depression and anxiety.

Mentally, not forgiving can cause you to relive the pain over and over again. You might find yourself ruminating on past events, replaying conversations or moments in your head. This can make it difficult to move on and create new, positive memories. The past can trap you in a cycle of negative thinking, which holds you back from being present and finding joy in your life today.

Forgiving Others: A Gift to Yourself

Forgiving others doesn’t mean excusing their behavior or forgetting the hurt. It means deciding that you are no longer going to let their actions control your happiness and peace of mind. When you forgive, you are taking back your power. You’re choosing to let go of the negative emotions that have held you hostage for so long.

Forgiving others is a process—it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s okay to take small steps and allow yourself to feel angry or upset. But each time you release that anger, even in tiny moments, you’re creating space for healing. Start by acknowledging the pain, expressing your emotions in a safe space, and eventually, choosing to release that pain for your own peace.

The Importance of Self-Forgiveness

While forgiving others can be challenging, forgiving yourself is often even harder. We tend to be our own harshest critics, holding ourselves to impossibly high standards. When we make mistakes, especially ones that hurt others, the guilt can feel suffocating. We often ask, “How can I forgive myself after what I did?”

The truth is, everyone makes mistakes. We are all human. The key is to learn from those mistakes and use them as stepping stones toward growth and self-improvement. Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean absolving yourself of responsibility. It means acknowledging the mistake, accepting that you’re not perfect, and giving yourself permission to move on.

When you forgive yourself, you free yourself from the burden of guilt. This act of self-compassion is vital to mental health. It allows you to focus on the present and future instead of being stuck in the past. It helps you cultivate self-love, which in turn boosts your self-esteem and sense of well-being.

Taking Stock of Unforgiveness in Your Life

Forgiveness is an essential part of the mental health journey. It’s important to take stock of any unforgiveness in your life—whether it’s toward others or yourself. Ask yourself: Are there people or situations that I’ve been holding onto, keeping myself stuck in pain? Are there mistakes I’ve made that I need to forgive myself for? Recognizing areas of unforgiveness allows you to begin the process of healing.

Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. It’s an act of strength, courage, and self-care. It’s about reclaiming your peace and taking control of your emotional well-being. Whether you start with forgiving someone else, or you begin with forgiving yourself, remember that it’s okay to take it one step at a time. Progress in forgiveness is progress in mental health.

Wrapping up: Healing Through Forgiveness

The struggle with forgiveness is real, but the freedom that comes from letting go is worth the effort. Forgiving others, forgiving yourself, and taking stock of any unresolved feelings can help you break free from the past and move forward with a lighter heart and mind. Remember, forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. It may take time, but every step you take toward forgiveness is a step toward healing, peace, and better mental health.

Let go of what no longer serves you, and give yourself the gift of forgiveness. Your mental health will thank you for it.

In times of chaos

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

Remember to Listen to Your Own Advice

Life has a way of sweeping us up in its whirlwind of chaos—whether it’s work, relationships, or the day-to-day demands that seem to grow the longer we ignore them. Last week got very chaotic for me on Wednesday afternoon at 4:04 pm. I won’t share details at the moment as it is all very raw, but I will remind myself and others that it’s ok to pause. It’s easy to forget what we know we need to do to take care of ourselves. But sometimes, in the midst of all the noise, we need a reminder. So, this is me reminding myself to slow down, take a breath, and go back to the basics—the things that help me stay grounded.

1. Stick to Your Routines
When everything feels unpredictable, routines are a stabilizing force. It’s tempting to throw them out the window when life gets hectic, but those routines are anchors. Whether it’s starting your day with a cup of coffee and a few minutes of quiet, or setting aside time for a walk or a workout, these small acts of consistency help create a sense of control, even when everything else feels out of hand. They’re not rigid rules; they’re your lifelines.

2. Eat Good Food
It’s so easy to fall into the trap of convenience, grabbing whatever is quickest or most comforting in the moment. But I know that eating well—not just grabbing food to fill the void—makes a huge difference in how I feel physically and mentally. Fresh fruits, vegetables, and balanced meals don’t just fuel the body; they fuel the mind, too. When you’re tired, stressed, or overwhelmed, it’s especially important to nourish yourself in ways that help you cope, not just survive.

3. Take Your Meds
I’ve been there—thinking that maybe I can skip a dose, or that I’ll be okay without them for a while. But the truth is, my medication is part of what helps me stay balanced, mentally and emotionally. There’s no shame in needing support, and the routine of taking meds is a tool in my toolkit for coping. I need to remember to stay consistent, to not let the chaos or distractions of life take me off course.

4. Rest
We often mistake being busy for being productive, and in doing so, we forget the importance of rest. Whether it’s taking a 20-minute power nap or simply stepping away from the hustle and bustle for a few minutes to reset, rest is essential for both body and mind. It’s not a luxury; it’s a necessity. In the chaos of daily life, I need to pause and honor my need for recovery.

5. Breathe
In the rush of the moment, we forget to breathe. Not just the shallow breaths that keep us alive, but the deep, mindful breaths that ground us. When stress builds up, my chest tightens, and my mind races. Taking a few moments to simply breathe, to center myself, helps me regain focus and calm. It’s a simple yet powerful tool to reset and remember that everything doesn’t have to be solved in one moment.

6. Reach out for help if you need it. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t been so great at keeping in touch. Call the friend. Text the family. It takes a village and honestly we get so caught up in trying to face things alone, either for shame, or whatever, we hurt ourselves more. Get the help, if its just a hand to hold or professional help, reach out.

Pause and Remember
In the chaos of life, it’s easy to forget to take care of ourselves. But I have to remind myself—especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed—that these simple routines are the things that help me cope. Taking care of my body, my mind, and my spirit is not a luxury. It’s the foundation that allows me to face the chaos with more resilience.

So, when life starts to feel like it’s spinning too fast, I’m going to pause, take a deep breath, and return to the basics. I’ll remind myself of the advice I’ve given before and continue following the steps that help me move through this life with more ease and less stress. Because at the end of the day, I can’t pour from an empty cup.

Post election America…

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

The Post-Election Atmosphere: Finding Hope, Healing, and Unity

The election season has come and gone, but its aftermath lingers in the hearts and minds of many Americans. For some, the results bring hope and optimism for the future, while for others, the uncertainty and division feel overwhelming. The heightened emotions, the rhetoric, the constant media barrage—it all takes a toll on mental health. But as we stand together in the post-election world, it’s important to remember that healing, hope, and unity are still possible. I know it can feel heavy right now, or maybe you are elated and find a sense of relief with the election results. Either way you still have to work alongside people who believe differently than you. Let’s find some ways to cope and find comfort in the coming days and months because we are all Americans and we have to keep moving forward. 

Understanding the Emotional Landscape

Regardless of the outcome, elections are more than just a political event. They are emotional milestones that reflect our values, fears, and dreams for the future. The stress leading up to the election—intensified by polarization, misinformation, and often divisive campaigns—can have lasting effects. Some people feel victorious, empowered by their candidate’s win, while others feel anxious, fearful, or even betrayed. For many, the fear isn’t just about who won or lost, but about what those outcomes could mean for their lives, their communities, and the country as a whole.

It’s crucial to acknowledge the fear and anxiety some are feeling. For people on either side of the aisle, the election process itself can sometimes feel like a giant game of tug-of-war, with the stakes so high that it becomes hard to see beyond the immediate moment. Many are grappling with a sense of uncertainty about the future, especially if they feel that the country’s direction no longer aligns with their values.

Yet, while this atmosphere may feel heavy, it is also an opportunity for us to pause, reflect, and find a way forward—together.

For Those Feeling Hopeful: Keep Building Bridges

For those who are feeling a sense of relief, joy, or hope after the election, it’s important to recognize that the journey doesn’t end at the ballot box. While victory may feel sweet, the true work of healing and unifying our nation starts now. The election is not a conclusion; it’s merely the next chapter.

You can be a source of hope for others by fostering understanding and empathy. Even if you feel your side has “won,” it’s essential to acknowledge that many others are struggling to come to terms with the results. Reaching out to those with differing opinions, listening to their concerns, and engaging in respectful conversations is a step toward healing. Our nation is built on the strength of our diverse perspectives, and we thrive when we come together, not when we retreat into isolated echo chambers.

So, continue to act with compassion. Continue to advocate for progress, but do so in a way that seeks common ground. Work on being inclusive, not just in policy but in your actions and words. This is how we make a real difference.

For Those Feeling Fearful or Uncertain: You Are Not Alone

If you’re feeling fearful or uncertain about the future, your emotions are valid. It’s okay to feel worried, and it’s okay to need time to process. The election results may have felt like a personal loss, especially if you deeply disagreed with the outcome or feel that your rights and values are under threat. But remember: feelings of fear, doubt, and anger are not the end of the story.

In these times, it’s crucial to take care of your mental and emotional health. Political anxiety can be real, and its effects on mental health are not to be underestimated. Feeling disillusioned, frustrated, or anxious about what comes next is normal, but it’s also important to find healthy ways to manage those emotions. This might mean limiting your exposure to the news or social media, connecting with a mental health professional, or simply giving yourself permission to step away from the constant cycle of political discourse.

It’s also vital to remember that change often happens gradually, and one election cycle does not define the future of a nation. If you are feeling despair or fear, try to focus on the things you can control. Invest in your community, support your local businesses, volunteer for causes you care about, or engage in meaningful conversations with others who may share your concerns. Change is not linear, and it’s okay to take a step back and regroup for the work ahead.

Moving Forward: Together as Fellow Americans

At the end of the day, we are all in this together. We all care deeply about the future of our country, even if we sometimes differ in our vision for it. The post-election atmosphere is a reflection of our democratic process—imperfect, yes, but driven by the shared ideal that each of us has a voice, and that voice matters.

No matter who you voted for, it’s essential that we all take a deep breath, reflect on our shared humanity, and move forward with a commitment to healing and understanding. It’s easy to focus on our differences, especially in such a polarized environment, but the future of America depends on our ability to find common ground, build bridges, and work together for the common good.

For both those who are feeling triumphant and those who are feeling fearful, there is hope. The future is not determined by the outcome of a single election—it is shaped by our collective actions, by how we treat each other, and by our willingness to listen, learn, and grow. Even in moments of uncertainty, there is always the possibility of growth, change, and healing.

Let’s move forward together—united as Americans, with empathy in our hearts and hope for a brighter tomorrow. After all, our nation was built not on perfection, but on the ability to continually strive to be better. Let’s keep striving. Together.

Here are some key numbers and resources that can help individuals who need mental health support:

1. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988)

  • Phone Number: Dial 988 (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline)
  • Website: https://988lifeline.org/
  • Details: The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7 for anyone in distress, including those experiencing mental health crises, suicidal thoughts, or emotional distress. This helpline connects callers to trained counselors who can provide support and resources. It does not involve law enforcement unless the caller is in immediate danger.

2. Crisis Text Line

  • Text Number: Text HOME to 741741
  • Website: https://www.crisistextline.org/
  • Details: The Crisis Text Line provides free, confidential support for anyone in crisis, offering text-based counseling services. It’s available 24/7, and trained crisis counselors are there to listen, offer support, and help guide people through the situation.

3. National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline

  • Phone Number: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
  • Text Number: Text “NAMI” to 741741
  • Website: https://www.nami.org/
  • Details: NAMI’s helpline provides free, confidential support and information on mental health issues, including resources for individuals and families dealing with mental illness. The helpline offers guidance on where to seek care and how to find appropriate services without involving law enforcement.

4. The Trevor Project (For LGBTQ+ Youth)

  • Phone Number: 1-866-488-7386
  • Text Number: Text START to 678678
  • Website: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
  • Details: The Trevor Project offers a confidential helpline, text, and chat services for LGBTQ+ youth who are experiencing crisis or need support around mental health, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or coming out. It’s available 24/7 and is specifically aimed at helping LGBTQ+ individuals.

5. Veterans Crisis Line

  • Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1)
  • Text Number: Text 838255
  • Website: https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/
  • Details: The Veterans Crisis Line is a 24/7 helpline for veterans in crisis. It provides confidential support for veterans and their families, helping with mental health issues and distress. Pressing “1” connects you directly to a specialized counselor, and the service does not involve law enforcement unless there is imminent danger.

6. SAMHSA National Helpline

  • Phone Number: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
  • Website: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-treatment
  • Details: The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) helpline provides 24/7, confidential treatment referral and information for individuals and families facing mental or substance use disorders. SAMHSA helps individuals find nearby mental health providers, detox services, and recovery resources.

7. National Domestic Violence Hotline (For those experiencing abuse, which may include emotional abuse)

  • Phone Number: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
  • Text Number: Text “START” to 88788
  • Website: https://www.thehotline.org/
  • Details: While primarily focused on domestic violence, the hotline also provides support for people experiencing emotional and psychological abuse. It’s available 24/7 and offers confidential guidance and resources for individuals who are feeling unsafe or threatened.

8. Disaster Distress Helpline

  • Phone Number: 1-800-985-5990
  • Text Number: Text “TalkWithUs” to 66746
  • Website: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/disaster-distress-helpline
  • Details: This helpline is available for people who are experiencing distress related to natural or human-caused disasters. It provides immediate crisis counseling and support and helps connect individuals to ongoing mental health resources.

9. Mindful and Supportive Apps

10. Local Crisis and Community Support Lines

  • Many cities and states also offer local crisis helplines that can help connect individuals with mental health resources. These are often confidential and non-judgmental and do not involve law enforcement unless there is immediate danger. To find local mental health crisis resources, check your state or city’s official website or call SAMHSA’s helpline for recommendations.

Final Note:

The mental health crisis helplines listed above are designed to provide immediate support, counseling, and connection to services without involving law enforcement. They are valuable resources for individuals who may be struggling with emotional distress, suicidal thoughts, or general mental health concerns. It’s important for everyone to know that help is available—and they are never alone, even in the darkest moments.

Feel free to share these resources widely, as they can make a significant difference for those who need them.

Oh Those teen boys…

by Mothersense, posted in Always my babies

NAVIGATING THE CHALLENGES OF PARENTING A TEEN BOY

Parenting a teenage boy can be a rollercoaster ride filled with highs and lows. As they transition from childhood to adulthood, boys face unique challenges that can impact their mental health. It’s crucial for parents to be aware of these issues and to engage in open conversations about feelings, pressures, and the digital world.

The Challenges of Parenting a Teen Boy

One moment, you might find your son excitedly sharing his dreams for the future, and the next, he could be engulfed in stress from school, friendships, and societal expectations. Teenage boys often struggle with expressing their emotions, which can lead to misunderstandings and feelings of isolation. Unfortunately, he is and isn’t the same sweet boy who wouldn’t leave the room without a hug and an “I love you.” He is that sweet little boy that you have loved and nurtured, but he isn’t because he is changing, his body is foreign to him in some ways. He doesn’t even know sometimes why he does or says things. We can chalk it up to part of growing up and make ourselves aware that parenting teen boys isn’t easy, but keeping a few things in mind we can bring forth kind, loving, and healthy young men. 

Mental Health Statistics: A Silent Crisis

While discussions around mental health have become more mainstream, there are still aspects that remain underexplored. For instance, statistics show that suicide is the second leading cause of death among boys aged 15 to 19. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in 2021, nearly 12% of high school boys reported seriously considering suicide, with around 5% having attempted it.

Furthermore, self-harm is alarmingly prevalent among teenage boys. A 2020 study found that approximately 7% of boys had engaged in self-injurious behavior. These statistics reveal a hidden crisis that isn’t often addressed openly, especially in conversations about teenage mental health.

The Impact of Bullying

Bullying can exacerbate mental health issues among teens. The National Center for Educational Statistics (NCES) reports that about 20% of students aged 12-18 experienced bullying. Boys are often targeted for their interests, appearance, or perceived weaknesses, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and despair. Sometimes it is even within their own friend group and the boys themselves don’t even realize the harm they are causing. I don’t think any teen boy wants to see his friend in despair. 

Breaking the Silence

Despite the alarming statistics, many parents feel unprepared to discuss mental health, bullying, or the pressures their sons face. The stigma surrounding mental health often keeps families from seeking help or initiating conversations. It’s essential to break this silence, normalize discussions about emotions, and encourage boys to express their feelings without judgment. That last part is hard because many of us have been around or seen the whole alpha/beta male nonsense and hear “boys will be boys” crap that essentially excuses the crappy behavior, we cannot let that continue. Real men do cry, real men do wear pink, and real men do many things that may have once been looked at as “woman’s work.”

The Role of the Internet

In today’s digital age, the internet plays a significant role in the lives of teenagers. While it can be a source of information and connection, it also poses risks. Cyberbullying, exposure to inappropriate content, and the pressure to maintain a perfect online persona can take a toll on a teen’s mental health. Even if you cannot keep up with the ever changing digital landscape that your child is involved in, do not keep your head in the sand. Research the apps your teen is using and familiarize yourself with it enough that you can be prepared should you need to intervene.

Preparing Your Teen for the Digital World

As parents, preparing our children for the digital landscape is crucial. Here are some strategies to consider:

  1. Open Dialogue: Foster an environment where your teen feels comfortable discussing their online experiences. Ask about their favorite apps, what they enjoy, and any negative experiences they might encounter. Snapchat has had a n uptick in scammers convincing kids to send photos and then trying to blackmail them for money. Discord has its dark places as does Twitch. Be mindful of what your family is consuming. 
  2. Educate About Cyberbullying: Discuss the realities of cyberbullying and the importance of kindness online. Encourage them to speak to you or another trusted adult if they witness or experience bullying. 
  3. Set Boundaries: Establish rules for internet use that promote balance, such as time limits and appropriate content guidelines. Make sure your teen knows that just like there are terrible places in the world that they might want to avoid, there are places on the internet that should be avoided. 
  4. Model Healthy Behavior: Demonstrate positive online behavior by managing your own digital presence and discussing your experiences.
  5. Teach Critical Thinking: Help your teen develop critical thinking skills regarding online content. Encourage them to question the accuracy of information and the motives behind social media posts.
  6. Mental Health Resources: Provide information about mental health resources and support systems. Make it clear that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness.

Wrapping things up for you:

Parenting a teen boy is both rewarding and challenging. By acknowledging the complexities of their mental health and the impact of the digital world, we can foster a supportive environment. Open communication and education are key in helping our boys navigate these tumultuous years. Let’s break the silence around mental health, combat bullying, and prepare our children for a healthier relationship with themselves and the digital world. In doing so, we create a foundation of trust and resilience that can guide them through adolescence and beyond.

G is for GRIEF

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

Navigating the Personal Journey of Loss

Grief is a profound, often overwhelming experience that touches all of our lives at some point. It’s a deeply personal journey that can emerge from various types of loss—whether the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or even the loss of a dream or opportunity. Understanding grief as a lifelong process rather than a linear event can help us navigate its complexities with compassion for ourselves and others.

The Nature of Grief

Grief is not just an emotion; it encompasses a range of feelings, thoughts, and reactions. It can manifest as sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, and even relief. Each person experiences grief differently, influenced by their personality, life experiences, and the nature of the loss.

A Personal Journey

One of the most critical aspects of grief is its deeply personal nature. While there are common stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—each individual traverses these stages in their own way and at their own pace. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve; there’s only your way.

  • Cultural Influences: Cultural backgrounds can shape how we express grief. Some cultures openly mourn, while others may emphasize stoicism. Understanding these differences is vital in supporting those around us.
  • Support Systems: The presence or absence of a supportive network can significantly impact the grieving process. Friends, family, and even professionals can provide comfort, yet the way we choose to engage with that support is uniquely ours.

Grief as a Lifelong Process

Many people may expect grief to resolve after a certain period, but it often lingers, evolving over time. This understanding can be liberating; it acknowledges that grief doesn’t have a strict timeline and allows for ongoing healing.

  • Anniversaries and Milestones: Significant dates, like birthdays or anniversaries, can reignite feelings of grief. This resurgence is a natural part of the process and can remind us of the love we still hold for those we’ve lost.
  • Finding New Meanings: As time passes, the way we relate to our grief may change. We may find ways to honor our loved ones, celebrate their lives, and integrate their memory into our own.

The Greater the Grief, the Greater the Love

One of the most profound truths about grief is that it reflects the depth of our love. The pain we feel is a testament to the bonds we shared. This connection is what makes the journey of grief so significant and transformative.

  • Embracing Love: Rather than shying away from grief, embracing it can be a way to honor our relationships. Acknowledge the love that underlies the sorrow; it’s this love that shapes our memories and influences who we are.
  • Creating Legacy: Finding ways to celebrate the life of the person we’ve lost can help channel our grief into something meaningful. This could be through storytelling, creating art, or participating in activities they loved.

Coping with Grief

As we navigate the personal journey of grief, it’s essential to equip ourselves with tools for coping. Here are some strategies that may help:

  1. Allow Yourself to Feel: Give yourself permission to experience all emotions that arise without judgment. Grief is not something to “get over” but something to honor.
  2. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Whether through friends, family, or support groups, connecting with others who understand can be immensely comforting.
  3. Express Yourself: Writing, art, and other forms of expression can provide an outlet for your feelings. Journaling about your experience can help you process your emotions.
  4. Practice Self-Care: Grieving can be exhausting. Prioritize self-care through rest, nutrition, and activities that bring you joy or solace.
  5. Consider Professional Help: If grief feels overwhelming, seeking the guidance of a therapist can provide valuable support and coping strategies.

That’s not all folks:

Grief is a complex and deeply personal journey that requires patience and compassion. It is a lifelong process, interwoven with love and memory. Acknowledging that the greater the grief, the greater the love can help us embrace our experiences, honor those we’ve lost, and ultimately find a way to carry their legacy forward in our lives. Remember, you are not alone in this journey; your path is uniquely yours, and it’s okay to take the time you need to heal.

The personal part:

Keeping all of the above in mind, I have become very familiar with grief. It is a personal companion and has been with me since I was 11 years old. My only living grandparent died, my Granny, she was just the best towards me. And she impacted my life in so many ways, from “not sweeping through the middle” to “I love you a bushel and a peck,” helping me count to 100, taking rides through the countryside and everything in between. This is not to discount the losses that followed. It just compounds the grief; I still miss them and all of my other loved ones who are no longer here with me. The grief can be heavy some days. In the beginning, the initial shock, it is kind of easy. Easy, in that no one expects much from you in the beginning. You have the sympathy of everyone around you for your loss, but then it fades. You have to continue to go to work, do laundry, grocery shop, and with each of these tasks you are still very aware that the world you knew has changed forever. But the world keeps spinning even while you are in the throes of grief, life goes on, work still has to be done, bills paid. The routine soothes you a little bit, trying to keep things “normal” while you process what it is that has this grip on you. 

The holidays are always the hardest after a loss. Whether it be a birthday, anniversary or the holiday season following Halloween, they can all be hard. You can honor your loved ones and keep the same traditions, it may feel hollow at first, but there will be new meaning in them. This year I am not only facing the holidays without my parents but without 2 members of my village that always helped to pull me back from the brink when things got rough. I didn’t expect to have to traverse life and grief in losing friends that had become family. Losing the sister from another mister, my daily check in text or call, Audra could make me absolutely crazy with some of her theories but at our hearts we both enjoyed food and flavors and cultures and we raised our babies together. We made last minute poodle skirts together. She helped me expand my horizons. We valued critical thinking and doing what’s best for ourselves even if others didn’t understand. She helped me to embrace who I am. Now our youngest babies are freshmen in high school and she isn’t here to navigate this part. Some days are better than others and I think of her adult children each day. I think of her husband, left behind with a teen boy to raise without his mom. I digress. These things are all part of my daily existence. 

But in learning to let go, it is especially poignant in the fall. In the fall, trees lose their leaves, as they continue to grow. They become a shell of themselves, but we know that in the spring they sprout new leaves. I am taking a lesson from the trees this year. I am going to let go of things, it is hard work, but it is important work. I am going to let go of the past. I am going to cherish memories of loved ones and prepare myself to move forward in this new existence. I will remember each of them in different ways and on different days, but in letting go of how I thought life would be, I am freeing myself of the immense weight that grief can bear down on me. I will keep old traditions that still serve me and maybe create new ones to celebrate this new chapter of life. I didn’t plan for this journey of grief; I don’t think you can. What you can do is appreciate the time that you have and make the minutes count.

Love and light y’all, it can get dark out there.