Tag: grief

Walking My Daughter Down the Aisle: A Parental Perspective

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

Walking My Daughter Down the Aisle – With My Heart in My Hands

This past weekend, I had the honor – and the heartache – of watching my daughter get married. If I’m honest, I’m still trying to sort through the wave of emotions that swept over me. Pride, joy, sadness, nostalgia, relief… they all tangled together, sometimes knocking me off balance. It wasn’t just my own feelings, either. Weddings stir up emotions for everyone, and I found myself carrying not only my own heart but also helping manage the hearts of others around me.

Her biological father wasn’t there. That relationship ended long ago and with it, the possibility of his presence on this day. Instead, her big brother stepped up, handsome and steady, to walk his little sister down the aisle. Watching him place her hand into her groom’s brought tears to my eyes — not just for what was missing, but for the love and loyalty that was so beautifully present.

She missed her grandparents, too. There was a quiet ache where they should have been. The reception had a small wall piece honoring those no longer with us, which was both touching and bittersweet. And yes, there were others who weren’t there — for different reasons — and that stung. But we didn’t let the sadness linger long. This was, above all else, a celebration of love.

And what a celebration it was.

From the vintage two-tone blue Ford pickup pulling the wedding party out to the field by the pond, to the arch set up at the water’s edge — it was a scene straight out of Pinterest. My baby girl, the bride, was radiant. The wedding party looked lovely, the ceremony was short and sweet, and the photos seemed endless (but wonderful).

As the evening moved on, laughter, joy, and love filled the air. It was a day built of memories, both tender and joyful.

But as any parent knows, weddings are more than just events. They’re milestones. They’re turning points. And when I got back in the car to drive away, the tears came again.

Because while I am proud beyond words of the life my daughter has built, of the work she does, of the charming little town she calls home, and the wonderful support system she has around her… I am also sad. Sad because she’s far away. Sad because no matter how grown up she is, she will always be my baby.

I suppose that’s the paradox of parenthood: bursting with pride while your heart aches with longing. Relieved she is loved and cared for, yet still wishing you could keep her close.

So how did I get through it? I’m not sure I have a tidy answer. I breathed. I cried. I smiled until my face hurt. I carried others when I could, and leaned on my own strength when I had to. Mostly, I let myself feel it all — the pride, the sadness, the joy, the overwhelm, and the pieces I can’t even find words for.

Because that’s love. Messy, overwhelming, breathtaking love.

And as I continue learning how to let go while holding on, I carry one truth with me: Mom is always here. Always.

The Art of Compassion: Helping Loved Ones Heal

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

When You Can’t Fix It: Being There for Loved Ones in Their Pain

There are moments in life when someone we love is hurting, and there is nothing we can do to take their pain away. Grief, loss, heartache—these are deeply personal experiences, and while we may wish to absorb their suffering, to shoulder it for them, we simply cannot. It is their journey, and our role is not to fix it but to walk beside them. So how can we show up in meaningful, supportive ways without offering empty words or repeating well-worn advice?

Hold Space Without Filling It

Silence can be one of the most powerful ways to show love. So often, we feel compelled to say something, anything, to ease the discomfort of pain. But instead of searching for the perfect words, try simply being present. Sit with them in their grief. Let them talk, cry, or say nothing at all. Being a steady presence can speak volumes more than any well-intentioned words ever could.

Acknowledge Without Trying to Solve

One of the most painful things for someone in distress is feeling unheard. When they express their pain, resist the urge to offer solutions or compare their experience to something you’ve been through. Instead, acknowledge what they’re feeling: “I hear you. That sounds incredibly hard.” Sometimes, knowing they are seen and validated is all they need.

Offer Tangible Help

Rather than saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” offer specific assistance. Bring them a meal, run an errand, pick up their kids from school, or handle a small task that might be overwhelming in their current state. Practical support can be a lifeline when grief or hardship makes even basic tasks feel impossible.

Respect Their Process

Healing is not linear, and everyone moves through pain at their own pace. Some days they may want to talk, other days they may withdraw. Some moments will be filled with tears, others with unexpected laughter. Let them lead the way, and don’t impose expectations on what their grief should look like.

Lean on Faith, If That Feels Right

For many, faith provides comfort, but in moments of deep pain, even the most devout can struggle. If faith is a part of their life, remind them gently of their beliefs without forcing platitudes. Instead of saying, “Everything happens for a reason,” try, “I am holding you in my prayers” or “I am here to sit with you in this, however long it takes.” Sometimes, embodying faith through love and patience is more powerful than words.

Encourage Without Pushing

There may come a time when they need professional help, whether it’s therapy, a support group, or other resources. If you sense they’re struggling beyond what they can bear, gently encourage them without making them feel broken or weak for needing help. You can say, “You don’t have to go through this alone,” and offer to help them take that step when they’re ready.

Find Your Own Support

Loving someone in pain can be exhausting. You cannot pour from an empty cup, so lean on your own faith, family, or friends when you need to process your emotions. Supporting them doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs; it means showing up from a place of strength rather than depletion.

Love Them Through It

At the heart of it all, the best thing you can do is love them. Love them when they cry, when they push you away, when they don’t have the words, when they feel stuck. Love them not by trying to remove their pain, but by being someone who remains, steady and unwavering, no matter how long the journey takes.

Because sometimes, the greatest gift we can give is simply showing up, again and again, with love.

Navigating Grief: Lessons from a Year Without Audra

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

Coping with Grief: A Year Without Audra

It’s been nearly a year now—a year since Audra passed. It was a Wednesday. We had already spoken twice that morning, talking about life, laughing about how much she hated Walmart and self-checkouts. Then my phone rang again. This time, it was different. “I don’t feel right,” she said. “Bring the blood pressure cuff.”

It was Spring Break, and I was home, not teaching. I ran next door, frantic, to find her slurring her words, sweet little Hayden trying to help Moomoo. Her blood pressure was too high. I called 911. She started throwing up. By the time the paramedics arrived, she was somewhat coherent. I had gotten Hunter and Nick there. Thomas was on the phone. It was bad.

By the time they loaded her into the ambulance, I saw it—Hunter saw it. The drooping side of her face. We knew. But we held onto hope. Strokes can be survived. Audra was tough and ornery. She could pull through. But it all happened so fast. Some days, the scene replays in my head. Some nights, it haunts my dreams.

I visited her in the hospital. Thomas said the prognosis was grim. We knew. She knew. She had made it clear she never wanted machines to keep her alive if there was no real quality of life. And so, we waited. We grieved even before she was gone. And then, she slipped away.

Now, nearly a year later, everything has changed, and yet, nothing has. I haven’t stepped foot next door since her memorial service. I see her willow tree—the one thing her black thumb didn’t kill. Some days, it makes me smile. Other days, it makes me cry. She should still be here. She should be helping Nick with his schoolwork, swapping recipes with me, planning our gardens together. But she isn’t. And as March 18th approaches, the weight of her absence grows heavier.

She was more than a friend. She was my sister in every way except blood. My confidante, my reality check, my protector. And now, she’s gone. There’s no one to fill her shoes. The grief is raw. The reality of outliving those we love is a harsh lesson, one I’ve always known but never fully embraced: No one is promised another day.

Finding Ways to Cope

Grief is a journey, not a destination. It changes shape but never fully disappears. If you’re walking this path, too, here are some ways to navigate the pain:

1. Allow Yourself to Feel There is no timeline for grief. Some days, you’ll laugh at a memory. Other days, the pain will take your breath away. Let it. Don’t rush healing. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

2. Honor Their Memory Find ways to keep their spirit alive. Cook their favorite meal. Plant something in their honor. Share their stories. Audra’s willow tree reminds me that she was here, that she mattered.

3. Lean on Your People Grief can feel isolating, but you don’t have to carry it alone. Talk to someone who understands. Share your pain, your memories, your love. Let others support you.

4. Find Purpose in the Pain Loss has a way of reshaping our priorities. I choose to love more fiercely, forgive more freely, and live more intentionally. Life is too short to do more damage.

5. Give Yourself Grace There’s no “moving on,” only moving forward. Some days will be harder than others. That’s okay. Be patient with yourself.

Grief is love with nowhere to go. And in that love, Audra remains. She may not be here to call me and tell me to snap out of it, but I hear her voice in my heart. I honor her by living, by loving, by carrying her with me in all the ways that matter.

And if there was a phone line to heaven, I know she’d be on my butt about it.

Holiday Grief: It hurts but still you smile…

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

Navigating the Holidays with a Heavy Heart: Embracing Tradition Amidst Grief

The holidays are often portrayed as the most joyous time of the year — a season full of laughter, togetherness, and cherished traditions. But for many, this time of year can also carry a sense of quiet sadness, especially when a loved one is no longer part of the celebration. Whether through the death of a family member, a divorce, or another life event that causes a significant absence, the holidays can bring up complex emotions that are difficult to navigate.

The Quiet Grief of Missing Someone

Holidays are naturally a time for family and friends to gather, share meals, and reminisce about the past. It’s a season filled with memories, both old and new. But what happens when that one person who was always at the table, the one who filled the room with laughter or love, is no longer present? The absence of someone significant can turn a joyful occasion into a bittersweet one, where the chair left empty is a constant reminder of their absence.

It’s not just about the physical absence. Sometimes, the absence of someone — whether they’re gone due to death, divorce, or distance — feels like an emotional void. For example, the first holiday season after the loss of a spouse or parent can feel like you’re navigating a minefield of emotions. Their absence may seem to hang over every carol, every holiday tradition, and even every casual conversation. The laughter of children, the familiar holiday routines, and the bustle of the kitchen might feel jarring when the person you loved and shared those moments with is no longer there to partake.

In cases of divorce, the emotional challenges can be compounded by changes in family dynamics. Familiar spaces and family rituals become places of unfamiliarity and loss, as traditions that once brought comfort now carry a sting. Sometimes, families are also separated by distance, leaving a feeling of fractured connection, and the holiday spirit becomes a reminder of all that’s been lost.

Recognizing the Sadness

A crucial step in dealing with grief during the holidays is to acknowledge the sadness. Trying to ignore it or brush it aside can lead to feelings of resentment or frustration. It’s okay to admit that this year looks different — it’s okay to feel sad, to miss someone, or to mourn the changes that life has brought. Emotions are complex, and during a season that is supposed to be full of joy, it’s important to make space for the grief that surfaces.

It’s also important to understand that sadness doesn’t mean you aren’t enjoying the present moment. You can feel sadness and still find joy in the company of those around you. The grief that creeps in during the holidays is not a sign that you are ungrateful or unable to find joy, but rather a reflection of how much the person or situation meant to you.

How to Cope and Still Enjoy the Season

Even when sadness inevitably comes, it’s possible to still find ways to cherish the holidays, honor your grief, and enjoy the present. Here are a few strategies for coping with the bittersweet emotions of the season:

1. Create New Traditions

While keeping old traditions can bring comfort, sometimes they can also highlight the absence. If old traditions feel too painful, consider creating new ones. This doesn’t mean letting go of the old completely — you can still hold onto what matters — but a fresh tradition can provide a way to move forward while still honoring the past. Perhaps you could start a new tradition, like a family volunteering day, a cozy movie marathon, or cooking a dish that you didn’t make before. New memories can help balance out the grief and bring a sense of renewal.

2. Honor the Memory of the Lost Loved One

Rather than trying to suppress memories, find a way to honor them. Share stories about the person you miss. Light a candle in their memory or make a toast in their honor. These small acts allow you to include them in the celebration, not as a source of sadness, but as a reflection of love and the lasting impact they had on your life. You might even want to incorporate their favorite holiday song or dish into your festivities.

3. Allow Yourself to Feel What You Feel

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s okay to cry, to feel frustrated, or to have moments of joy mixed with moments of sadness. Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment. If you need to take a break from the festivities or step away for a moment of solitude, that’s perfectly okay. Processing grief in a way that feels authentic to you will help you manage the complex emotions of the season.

4. Reach Out for Support

If you’re struggling with grief, don’t hesitate to lean on friends, family, or even a counselor. Talking about your feelings, even if it’s just a quick check-in with someone who understands, can help ease the burden. Sometimes simply expressing how you’re feeling can make a huge difference. You don’t have to carry the weight of grief alone. Sharing in the sadness and joy together can help lighten the load.

5. Practice Gratitude in the Present Moment

While it’s natural to miss the past, focusing on the blessings in the present can provide a sense of peace. Take time to reflect on the things you’re grateful for, whether it’s your family, your health, or the little joys of the season — like a warm cup of tea, a festive decoration, or a quiet moment of reflection. Practicing gratitude can help you shift your focus from what is missing to what is still there, which can make the holidays feel more balanced.

6. Give Yourself Permission to Have Fun

You can still enjoy the holidays, even with sadness present. Don’t feel guilty for laughing, smiling, or finding moments of joy. Grief isn’t about living in constant sadness; it’s about learning how to navigate the ebb and flow of emotions. If you can find moments to laugh with your family, enjoy a holiday treat, or participate in activities that bring you joy, allow yourself to fully experience those moments without guilt. Your loved ones, whether living or passed, would want you to enjoy life, too.

Moving Forward with Love

The holidays will never be exactly the same as they once were, and that’s okay. Embrace the changes, find new ways to honor the memories, and don’t let grief overshadow the moments that can still bring joy. The people we miss may not be physically present, but they can still be a part of our celebrations in spirit.

Grief is a part of love, and love doesn’t vanish with time. It transforms. This holiday season, allow yourself to feel all the emotions — sadness, joy, gratitude — and find new ways to celebrate life, even in the face of loss. Your traditions, old and new, can be a beautiful way to keep the memories alive while embracing the present moment.

G is for GRIEF

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

Navigating the Personal Journey of Loss

Grief is a profound, often overwhelming experience that touches all of our lives at some point. It’s a deeply personal journey that can emerge from various types of loss—whether the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or even the loss of a dream or opportunity. Understanding grief as a lifelong process rather than a linear event can help us navigate its complexities with compassion for ourselves and others.

The Nature of Grief

Grief is not just an emotion; it encompasses a range of feelings, thoughts, and reactions. It can manifest as sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, and even relief. Each person experiences grief differently, influenced by their personality, life experiences, and the nature of the loss.

A Personal Journey

One of the most critical aspects of grief is its deeply personal nature. While there are common stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—each individual traverses these stages in their own way and at their own pace. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve; there’s only your way.

  • Cultural Influences: Cultural backgrounds can shape how we express grief. Some cultures openly mourn, while others may emphasize stoicism. Understanding these differences is vital in supporting those around us.
  • Support Systems: The presence or absence of a supportive network can significantly impact the grieving process. Friends, family, and even professionals can provide comfort, yet the way we choose to engage with that support is uniquely ours.

Grief as a Lifelong Process

Many people may expect grief to resolve after a certain period, but it often lingers, evolving over time. This understanding can be liberating; it acknowledges that grief doesn’t have a strict timeline and allows for ongoing healing.

  • Anniversaries and Milestones: Significant dates, like birthdays or anniversaries, can reignite feelings of grief. This resurgence is a natural part of the process and can remind us of the love we still hold for those we’ve lost.
  • Finding New Meanings: As time passes, the way we relate to our grief may change. We may find ways to honor our loved ones, celebrate their lives, and integrate their memory into our own.

The Greater the Grief, the Greater the Love

One of the most profound truths about grief is that it reflects the depth of our love. The pain we feel is a testament to the bonds we shared. This connection is what makes the journey of grief so significant and transformative.

  • Embracing Love: Rather than shying away from grief, embracing it can be a way to honor our relationships. Acknowledge the love that underlies the sorrow; it’s this love that shapes our memories and influences who we are.
  • Creating Legacy: Finding ways to celebrate the life of the person we’ve lost can help channel our grief into something meaningful. This could be through storytelling, creating art, or participating in activities they loved.

Coping with Grief

As we navigate the personal journey of grief, it’s essential to equip ourselves with tools for coping. Here are some strategies that may help:

  1. Allow Yourself to Feel: Give yourself permission to experience all emotions that arise without judgment. Grief is not something to “get over” but something to honor.
  2. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Whether through friends, family, or support groups, connecting with others who understand can be immensely comforting.
  3. Express Yourself: Writing, art, and other forms of expression can provide an outlet for your feelings. Journaling about your experience can help you process your emotions.
  4. Practice Self-Care: Grieving can be exhausting. Prioritize self-care through rest, nutrition, and activities that bring you joy or solace.
  5. Consider Professional Help: If grief feels overwhelming, seeking the guidance of a therapist can provide valuable support and coping strategies.

That’s not all folks:

Grief is a complex and deeply personal journey that requires patience and compassion. It is a lifelong process, interwoven with love and memory. Acknowledging that the greater the grief, the greater the love can help us embrace our experiences, honor those we’ve lost, and ultimately find a way to carry their legacy forward in our lives. Remember, you are not alone in this journey; your path is uniquely yours, and it’s okay to take the time you need to heal.

The personal part:

Keeping all of the above in mind, I have become very familiar with grief. It is a personal companion and has been with me since I was 11 years old. My only living grandparent died, my Granny, she was just the best towards me. And she impacted my life in so many ways, from “not sweeping through the middle” to “I love you a bushel and a peck,” helping me count to 100, taking rides through the countryside and everything in between. This is not to discount the losses that followed. It just compounds the grief; I still miss them and all of my other loved ones who are no longer here with me. The grief can be heavy some days. In the beginning, the initial shock, it is kind of easy. Easy, in that no one expects much from you in the beginning. You have the sympathy of everyone around you for your loss, but then it fades. You have to continue to go to work, do laundry, grocery shop, and with each of these tasks you are still very aware that the world you knew has changed forever. But the world keeps spinning even while you are in the throes of grief, life goes on, work still has to be done, bills paid. The routine soothes you a little bit, trying to keep things “normal” while you process what it is that has this grip on you. 

The holidays are always the hardest after a loss. Whether it be a birthday, anniversary or the holiday season following Halloween, they can all be hard. You can honor your loved ones and keep the same traditions, it may feel hollow at first, but there will be new meaning in them. This year I am not only facing the holidays without my parents but without 2 members of my village that always helped to pull me back from the brink when things got rough. I didn’t expect to have to traverse life and grief in losing friends that had become family. Losing the sister from another mister, my daily check in text or call, Audra could make me absolutely crazy with some of her theories but at our hearts we both enjoyed food and flavors and cultures and we raised our babies together. We made last minute poodle skirts together. She helped me expand my horizons. We valued critical thinking and doing what’s best for ourselves even if others didn’t understand. She helped me to embrace who I am. Now our youngest babies are freshmen in high school and she isn’t here to navigate this part. Some days are better than others and I think of her adult children each day. I think of her husband, left behind with a teen boy to raise without his mom. I digress. These things are all part of my daily existence. 

But in learning to let go, it is especially poignant in the fall. In the fall, trees lose their leaves, as they continue to grow. They become a shell of themselves, but we know that in the spring they sprout new leaves. I am taking a lesson from the trees this year. I am going to let go of things, it is hard work, but it is important work. I am going to let go of the past. I am going to cherish memories of loved ones and prepare myself to move forward in this new existence. I will remember each of them in different ways and on different days, but in letting go of how I thought life would be, I am freeing myself of the immense weight that grief can bear down on me. I will keep old traditions that still serve me and maybe create new ones to celebrate this new chapter of life. I didn’t plan for this journey of grief; I don’t think you can. What you can do is appreciate the time that you have and make the minutes count.

Love and light y’all, it can get dark out there.