I am quietly watching as the minutes of my 39th year tick slowly away. Tomorrow I will be 40. I don’t feel 40! I don’t LOOK 40!! As a matter of records people have mistaken my bearded nearly 20 year old son as my husband!! With my 40 years has come some painful lessons. Most importantly it has given me knowledge and wisdom. I would not be the person I am today without the good the bad and the ugly that is my past. Frankly I like the person I have become. I am not terribly thrilled with my present financial situation and my husband’s health but I figure God is working on me. I am mindful of my journey and I realize that little humans are watching me, even more so now than before, maybe so see if I am really going to crack or if I will come through the other side of this crisis. But turning 40, celebrating this supposedly momentous birthday?? I want to, I want to celebrate really really bad. But what do I do with my husband?? He isn’t getting around so well, he doesn’t get out of the house much and a party or any extended period of time away from rest is just not realistic. Where is the fabulous in this situation? Go party like I want to and celebrate and leave him at home?? Compounding my issue is that his birthday is 2 days later…chew on that. We are financially strapped. I can’t leave for extended periods of time, and his birthday is coming up too, except he will be 37…
I will tell you that its rough right now. The number alone makes me feel old. My oldest is nearly 20. My baby is almost 6 and will be in Kindergarten this fall. No more babies for me. Of course that would also imply that I am doing the required act to create a baby or that I had not had surgery to prevent having anymore babies!! And i have another one heading off to college. She came into our lives sort of on a whim because she had nowhere else to go just 2 short years ago. Now she is headed off into this cruel world without many ties to family and only herself. She knows she always has a home here but it will never be the same. SO that doesn’t leave me with an empty nest at all. We are gearing up for all of our fun homeschool stuff to start…ok its not all fun and games. The reality is that I am getting older, as are my parents, and my children. Can I just freeze time here? It won’t work because then there is no forward motion for any of us and that has to happen. I sort of feel like I am grieving. I feel as though I am missing something that I missed a vital part of my life somehow. I know I did not. I have had all of the standard rites of passage and then some but now am I expected to be some full fledged ADULT?? What does it mean to be 40?? No more ponytails? Wrinkles? Grey hair? I am not there yet and I am certainly still willing to take on the world if need be, although maybe tomorrow because today I am pooped. How did you do 40?? What changes?? Why does it FEEL like I am losing something. Its hard to even SAY that I am going to be 40! Like where did 40 years go?? I was just 23 with 2 kids just a few days ago?!!!
Well folks I think I have pondered enough tonight. 40 is coming and I reckon I am feeling it a bit. For now I will work on my make-up tutorials and watch some NCIS (MARK HARMON) and rest a little. Life is too short for the doldrums and 40 can’t be so bad. Farewell 30s you were mostly good to me!!
Real Talk Time – My Y Song
Alright folks I dashed off about 300 words for y’all. That was hard!! I wanted to give you sooo much more because there is so much more going on here at 7R Round up!!!
Sparing you icky details of the last few months we have made little to no progress on a diagnosis for my husband. We know his back was the cause of the pain and may have been triggered by the surgery and having to take it easy. The doctor has said he may have MS or another neurological condition but that he needs surgery on his thoracic spine and possibly his lumbar later in life!! For now on that front we manage the pain let him do what he can, and pray for better news later. Kids are back on their homeschool lessons and we have added my little man to the mix learning as he goes and doing some more formal school work. Horses are doing well. Parents are getting older. Let’s move on to more interesting subjects. *winking* ME!!
Me personally- I am on a journey y’all. I am tired and feel so dad gum exhausted all the time. So I am starting an exercise routine and have had a dear friend volunteer to keep me moving and accountable and if anyone can do it he can! I am going to take care of me because there are people counting on me to be at 100% for a very long time!! SO I want to lose the weight, look fabulous, and FEEL good!! I have also become a Younique presenter which has also opened some doors for me. The company recently challenged presenters to use Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song” and lip sync to it and for every video Younique Corporate would donate $$ to The Younique Foundation for sexually abused women. These videos made me feel all sorts of feels. I am a sexual assault survivior. I have been victimized but I am not a victim. I have fought long and hard with myself about all of these feelings and what to do with them. I did not have the courage shown by so many Younique presenters to do a video but I am saying it here. Details don’t matter. I am the 1 in 4 (I have 3 sisters). I did not report any of my assaults, not the first time and not the last (there was more than one). It had me twisted up in knots y’all!! I did not see my value on this Earth for a long time. I drank too much and was essentially trying really hard to numb the pain. I was essentially in a self-destruct mode. I blamed myself and believed all of the awful things that were said about me. Damaged Broken Worthless Shameful there was so very much to feel then and these videos, these women openly stating what happened to them, it had me feeling all the feels all over again. And it sucks but only sort of…You see people I am a victim or sexual assault, but I also survived it, I overcame the worst, darkest, painful days of my life and because I had told NO ONE, I did it “alone.” Alone in the sense that no other human knew about these terrible dark things except the other humans involved in the incidents. Now there are a few that will not be surprised by this post because I have openly talked about it with them but this was long after I had become a wife and mother. Ladies I pray you NEVER have to experience sexual assault, and if you have bear with me because my story may not be like yours. The journey I am on is to complete my healing. I am not the victim. I am the survivor, not because it is POLITICALLY CORRECT to be a survivor and not a victim, but because it is the right word to choose. When I chose to binge drink and do all sorts of crazy things that could have ended my life, I was a victim, I was letting what happened to me change me in a bad way. I am a survivor because I am coming to terms with all of it and I want so badly to heal. I have to choose forgiveness. I have to know with every fiber of my being that I did not ask to be assaulted. I have to know that regardless of my sexual history I wasn’t asking to be assaulted. I have to understand that flirting does not mean I wanted to be assaulted. I am working on all of that. The wounds have been healing all these years and I thought I was finished. I had moved on, married, had a family, but I have not completely healed because I still have trouble seeing the faces of those men. I shudder at the idea of running into them. It is getting better now that I am being more open about it but this long road doesn’t have to be your journey. You can get help now. The legal system was only involved in one case and that is because he tried to turn the tables and claim I had taken advantage of him and I had to sit in a detective’s office and explain in explicit and anatomical detail what had happened to me. My purpose in writing this and putting it out there on the internet is not to name names or to shame anyone. It is to shatter the idea that RAPE is something we should be ashamed to discuss. Sexual assault, sexual abuse, happens way too often and society needs to STEP UP and do something. I want other women to not feel the way I felt, to not keep it inside, don’t lock it away. GET REAL. GET HELP. And if you need to reach out to someone I am here. And there are many others out there like us who are taking this step in healing. I pray my 4 girls never have to deal with this issue. WE can change the 1 in 4!! Love and light readers!!!
If you have specific questions about the Younique Foundation, please email questions@youniquefoundation.org or call (385)245-4556
Oh Ya’ll – Depleted didn’t even begin to cover it!! But it’s ok
I used the word depleted in a previous post ya’ll…I had NO IDEA how STRONG and RESOURCEFUL I actually can be!! When you are down you are in the best position to pray, and I have!! I have had people praying for me and honestly I can FEEL it!! I can also FEEL so many people counting on me to make this work. Whew!! We are in July 2015 at the tail end of it! The 6-15 year old kids have started back to their lessons everyday, we are still eeking out enough help here and there and odd jobs to pay the bills…most of them. I’ll tell ya what though I LOVE the strength of my friends and family for carrying me through!!! Without the people around me I probably would have gone batshit crazy by now. My oldest has 2 tattoos now,*sigh* and has decided he wants to work instead of go to school. My parents are aging so much each week I am truly scared that our time with them is limited. Have one more leaving the nest next month to head off into college. My youngest daughter is grinding her teeth pretty regularly in her sleep and may be the cause of her headaches but we still get 
to consult with a neurologist! YAY (no not really) Hubby’s medical issues are managed, we do know that degenerative disc disease plays a part of the pain but it is not the whole issue. Doc has said he may never drive a truck again. Right now he canot bathe alone and has fallen several times trying to get to the bathroom. Ladies and gents this is my row to hoe and its tough but there is a wise sounding 18 year old that once told me: “Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright” aka ELTIGBA…and I love her for it more than she will ever know!! When I am depleted I look to those around me, I count my tiny little blessings and Thank God he gave me a new day to wear all my many hats that I wear each day!! Love and light folks!! Make today count!!
Things change!! People Change?
Do people change? Can meaningful change occur because a person tries? Can changes happen because of circumstances? SO many people I know think that people do not change who they are at the core of thier being. I know that people CAN change. Sometimes the changes are not for the better. They change in reaction to circumstances. They choose to invest their time differently and it alters how they live their lives and the people they interact with on a regular basis.
I have to believe that people change. I know that they can change for the better and I know they can change for the worse. But the point is that people do change. It does not happen overnight. A lifetime of habits cannot be broken overnight. A chain smoker will not simply quit cold turkey and never pick up the habit again. A truck driver who has spent his life with irregular sleep habits will not be fixed in mere days. It takes time and real effort.
My husband is experiencing numerous changes, he hasn’t been able to work. He is fighting the pain and the feelings of uselessness. I suspect he battles some depression as well although I cannot imagine that he would admit it. My children are in a loving home and yet we seem to be in constant upheaval because there is no diagnosis for their dad’s lengthy battle with this pain. I do not know what is causing the pain. We have been able to get in to see a doctor and this doctor seems to think that there may be more to it than post surgical pain. It may be his back. It may be the actual structure of his body that is supposed to support him. But with all of this I see my husband changing…I expect it is a temporary change because we are climbing uphill with this medical mess but it is a change.
I see a change in myself. I see me snapping and being resentful of having the majority of the responsibilities land on my shoulders, or I am doling out more responsibility to my older children and they are not the least bit happy about it. The changes they are taking place and whether they are permanent or only temporary they happen.
My point in this post about change is that it is inevitable. Change happens. People can change. No one will change overnight (unless there is a medical trauma involved and then it is possible). Change takes work. Change is hard to accept. Let us pray that the changes are good for us. Let me not lose hope in this situation. Lets take this time to grow closer as a family so that we may be stronger when we do come out the other side of it all.
Roller Coaster
I have not had much time lately for writing and it bothers me in a way that I cannot put into words. The roller coaster of life has me hanging on by a thread. November 7th had the hubs in surgery. Prior to that we thought he had pancreatitis and he actually could have acute pancreatitis or something else altogether. The removal of the gall bladder has helped some and it was obviously malfunctioning because the tests showed that it was. Follow me here because there is some sarcasm laced into my words. My husband is still in pain, not the sort of pain you would expect after an abdominal surgery we are nearly two weeks out and he should be getting better, but he isn’t. He still has continued nausea, abdominal pain, and fatigue. Is it too much to ask to get a doctor on board to review all of this and come up with an answer?? We tried using Care Now doctors and signed up for their plan to save us money but their physician sent us back to the ER. That was one week post- op and we land back in the ER with a 6 hour wait to see a doctor and be treated. They find nothing. They are as confused as we are about us being told to return to the ER. We just want the pain to stop. I don’t want to lose my husband. I want him to be well and to provide for our family. I want to be able to grow old with him and watch his hair gray completely (he’s had gray hair since he was 16). Where do we catch a break on this? The kids are divided into two camps- they are either worried about their dad and what is going on or they are wondering what the heck is going on and are experiencing a fraction of my frustration.
Motherhood is laced with so many instances of “What do I do?” and this is one of those. We are on a roller-coaster here and the kids are not stupid, they are picking up on my stress and frustration. I cannot completely explain the ins and outs of this medical mess to them but I also have to tell them something. I have to at least eek out enough money for their activities and new jeans for the girls. My friends are pondering the big Thanksgiving feast or going Christmas shopping and I am smiling at them, I love them. I love that they can do that for their families but I am seriously concerned about this holiday season. Its not just the money, it is the anniversary of hubby losing his brother. Our first full holiday season without Bubba…December 9, 2013. And that date is approaching too…
Mommas out there… I need you to know that if you are frustrated, exhausted, depleted and the roller-coaster of life is getting to you. I AM HERE. I AM WITH YOU. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and although my journey may be different from yours, the light is there. We just have to believe and we need to use the resources available!!! We don’t have to bear it alone!!
Mothersense and Miscellaneous 