My friend suggested that I make a habit of doing a Thankful Thursday post of so.e sort. Well here goes…
If your have ever lived in a small town you know that you touch the lives of dang near everyone at some point if you are there long enough. This week has been rough in our little corner. We buried a 33 year old man who was a son, a brother, a husband, father, and friend. We also will say good bye to a man who was also a son,father, husband,brother, and friend except he had lived a good long life. Both men will be sorely missed. Life is too short to live with “what might have beens” live each day to the fullest, to the best of your ability, love people even when they suck, make someone smile, share a bug, share a testimony, really live because none of us are promised tomorrow! Love and light readers of the interwebs!
Alright folks I dashed off about 300 words for y’all. That was hard!! I wanted to give you sooo much more because there is so much more going on here at 7R Round up!!!
Sparing you icky details of the last few months we have made little to no progress on a diagnosis for my husband. We know his back was the cause of the pain and may have been triggered by the surgery and having to take it easy. The doctor has said he may have MS or another neurological condition but that he needs surgery on his thoracic spine and possibly his lumbar later in life!! For now on that front we manage the pain let him do what he can, and pray for better news later. Kids are back on their homeschool lessons and we have added my little man to the mix learning as he goes and doing some more formal school work. Horses are doing well. Parents are getting older. Let’s move on to more interesting subjects. *winking* ME!!
Me personally- I am on a journey y’all. I am tired and feel so dad gum exhausted all the time. So I am starting an exercise routine and have had a dear friend volunteer to keep me moving and accountable and if anyone can do it he can! I am going to take care of me because there are people counting on me to be at 100% for a very long time!! SO I want to lose the weight, look fabulous, and FEEL good!! I have also become a Younique presenter which has also opened some doors for me. The company recently challenged presenters to use Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song” and lip sync to it and for every video Younique Corporate would donate $$ to The Younique Foundation for sexually abused women. These videos made me feel all sorts of feels. I am a sexual assault survivior. I have been victimized but I am not a victim. I have fought long and hard with myself about all of these feelings and what to do with them. I did not have the courage shown by so many Younique presenters to do a video but I am saying it here. Details don’t matter. I am the 1 in 4 (I have 3 sisters). I did not report any of my assaults, not the first time and not the last (there was more than one). It had me twisted up in knots y’all!! I did not see my value on this Earth for a long time. I drank too much and was essentially trying really hard to numb the pain. I was essentially in a self-destruct mode. I blamed myself and believed all of the awful things that were said about me. Damaged Broken Worthless Shameful there was so very much to feel then and these videos, these women openly stating what happened to them, it had me feeling all the feels all over again. And it sucks but only sort of…You see people I am a victim or sexual assault, but I also survived it, I overcame the worst, darkest, painful days of my life and because I had told NO ONE, I did it “alone.” Alone in the sense that no other human knew about these terrible dark things except the other humans involved in the incidents. Now there are a few that will not be surprised by this post because I have openly talked about it with them but this was long after I had become a wife and mother. Ladies I pray you NEVER have to experience sexual assault, and if you have bear with me because my story may not be like yours. The journey I am on is to complete my healing. I am not the victim. I am the survivor, not because it is POLITICALLY CORRECT to be a survivor and not a victim, but because it is the right word to choose. When I chose to binge drink and do all sorts of crazy things that could have ended my life, I was a victim, I was letting what happened to me change me in a bad way. I am a survivor because I am coming to terms with all of it and I want so badly to heal. I have to choose forgiveness. I have to know with every fiber of my being that I did not ask to be assaulted. I have to know that regardless of my sexual history I wasn’t asking to be assaulted. I have to understand that flirting does not mean I wanted to be assaulted. I am working on all of that. The wounds have been healing all these years and I thought I was finished. I had moved on, married, had a family, but I have not completely healed because I still have trouble seeing the faces of those men. I shudder at the idea of running into them. It is getting better now that I am being more open about it but this long road doesn’t have to be your journey. You can get help now. The legal system was only involved in one case and that is because he tried to turn the tables and claim I had taken advantage of him and I had to sit in a detective’s office and explain in explicit and anatomical detail what had happened to me. My purpose in writing this and putting it out there on the internet is not to name names or to shame anyone. It is to shatter the idea that RAPE is something we should be ashamed to discuss. Sexual assault, sexual abuse, happens way too often and society needs to STEP UP and do something. I want other women to not feel the way I felt, to not keep it inside, don’t lock it away. GET REAL. GET HELP. And if you need to reach out to someone I am here. And there are many others out there like us who are taking this step in healing. I pray my 4 girls never have to deal with this issue. WE can change the 1 in 4!! Love and light readers!!!
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Do people change? Can meaningful change occur because a person tries? Can changes happen because of circumstances? SO many people I know think that people do not change who they are at the core of thier being. I know that people CAN change. Sometimes the changes are not for the better. They change in reaction to circumstances. They choose to invest their time differently and it alters how they live their lives and the people they interact with on a regular basis.
I have to believe that people change. I know that they can change for the better and I know they can change for the worse. But the point is that people do change. It does not happen overnight. A lifetime of habits cannot be broken overnight. A chain smoker will not simply quit cold turkey and never pick up the habit again. A truck driver who has spent his life with irregular sleep habits will not be fixed in mere days. It takes time and real effort.
My husband is experiencing numerous changes, he hasn’t been able to work. He is fighting the pain and the feelings of uselessness. I suspect he battles some depression as well although I cannot imagine that he would admit it. My children are in a loving home and yet we seem to be in constant upheaval because there is no diagnosis for their dad’s lengthy battle with this pain. I do not know what is causing the pain. We have been able to get in to see a doctor and this doctor seems to think that there may be more to it than post surgical pain. It may be his back. It may be the actual structure of his body that is supposed to support him. But with all of this I see my husband changing…I expect it is a temporary change because we are climbing uphill with this medical mess but it is a change.
I see a change in myself. I see me snapping and being resentful of having the majority of the responsibilities land on my shoulders, or I am doling out more responsibility to my older children and they are not the least bit happy about it. The changes they are taking place and whether they are permanent or only temporary they happen.
My point in this post about change is that it is inevitable. Change happens. People can change. No one will change overnight (unless there is a medical trauma involved and then it is possible). Change takes work. Change is hard to accept. Let us pray that the changes are good for us. Let me not lose hope in this situation. Lets take this time to grow closer as a family so that we may be stronger when we do come out the other side of it all.
I have not had much time lately for writing and it bothers me in a way that I cannot put into words. The roller coaster of life has me hanging on by a thread. November 7th had the hubs in surgery. Prior to that we thought he had pancreatitis and he actually could have acute pancreatitis or something else altogether. The removal of the gall bladder has helped some and it was obviously malfunctioning because the tests showed that it was. Follow me here because there is some sarcasm laced into my words. My husband is still in pain, not the sort of pain you would expect after an abdominal surgery we are nearly two weeks out and he should be getting better, but he isn’t. He still has continued nausea, abdominal pain, and fatigue. Is it too much to ask to get a doctor on board to review all of this and come up with an answer?? We tried using Care Now doctors and signed up for their plan to save us money but their physician sent us back to the ER. That was one week post- op and we land back in the ER with a 6 hour wait to see a doctor and be treated. They find nothing. They are as confused as we are about us being told to return to the ER. We just want the pain to stop. I don’t want to lose my husband. I want him to be well and to provide for our family. I want to be able to grow old with him and watch his hair gray completely (he’s had gray hair since he was 16). Where do we catch a break on this? The kids are divided into two camps- they are either worried about their dad and what is going on or they are wondering what the heck is going on and are experiencing a fraction of my frustration.
Motherhood is laced with so many instances of “What do I do?” and this is one of those. We are on a roller-coaster here and the kids are not stupid, they are picking up on my stress and frustration. I cannot completely explain the ins and outs of this medical mess to them but I also have to tell them something. I have to at least eek out enough money for their activities and new jeans for the girls. My friends are pondering the big Thanksgiving feast or going Christmas shopping and I am smiling at them, I love them. I love that they can do that for their families but I am seriously concerned about this holiday season. Its not just the money, it is the anniversary of hubby losing his brother. Our first full holiday season without Bubba…December 9, 2013. And that date is approaching too…
Mommas out there… I need you to know that if you are frustrated, exhausted, depleted and the roller-coaster of life is getting to you. I AM HERE. I AM WITH YOU. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and although my journey may be different from yours, the light is there. We just have to believe and we need to use the resources available!!! We don’t have to bear it alone!!
SO if you read recently you know that the hubs was down for a week in the hospital. They diagnosed pancreatitis in the ER and admitted him to treat this condition with one doctor overseeing his care. This doctor then called in a GI specialist who ordered more tests, all the while we are “treating” the pancreatitis by not eating. The GI doctor dismisses the pancreatitis and orders a hida scan and an EGD, one test will look at gallbladder function and another will see whether or not there is an ulcer in his stomach. Well the verdict came back and the EGD was not even performed. My husband’s gallbladder is just plain not functioning. This makes it necessary to have surgery. I can deal with surgery. I have had this surgery. My oldest child has had this surgery. It really isn’t a big deal but it still does not explain that swollen spleen and elevated white count that landed us on this journey. I did notice that they were giving him IV antibiotics though something that previous visits had ignored. I by no means have a medical degree but I have been around enough medical to know that an elevated white count indicates an infection even if you cannot find out where that infection is at….to me that is a no-brainer. SO aside from treating the infection his previous symptoms are disregarded and we focus on the gallbladder. I am glad it is out. He also had an intestinal blockage, but no one really explained that one to us. While I am not stupid I am also not pleased that right after the surgery no one came to speak to me, I waited watching aboard for hours!!! HOURS!! I watched the surgical board for 3 hours while my husband was out of sight and moved from holding to in procedure to in recovery. The procedure took a little more than an hour and I waited and I paced, and I read Facebook posts, as I waited for someone to come and tell me that everything was ok. I never once talked to the surgeon. I was completely helpless to do anything for my husband except pray and these people these professionals completely disregarded me!!! I was scared after a while. I sat with another family as they waited and asked if the surgeon had come to speak to them afterwards and they said he had, I didn’t get that. The surgery waiting room cleared out as this family was told their patient was being moved to her room. And I sat some more…and watched as people passed by…And then an angel asked if she could help me. I told her that I had sat and stared at this board for 3 hours waiting to get some word from at least a nurse and I hadn’t. They told my husband that I was not there. I was there!!! I went to get a drink and to the chapel to pray. Unfortunately the chapel was just a room with chairs because the entire campus is under construction. But I digress….
The answer we got overall was that the pain was his gallbladder and an underlying infection that was not definitive. He got exceptional treatment form the entire staff and I will happily get over my hurt feelings if this is indeed the answer to our prayers and that this pain is over and done with.
So whether it is pancratitis or if the gallbladder was the answer. Either way we know what to o for it now. I am off to enjoy some down time and maybe get some sleep.
Mothersense and Miscellaneous 