When You Can’t Fix It: Being There for Loved Ones in Their Pain
There are moments in life when someone we love is hurting, and there is nothing we can do to take their pain away. Grief, loss, heartache—these are deeply personal experiences, and while we may wish to absorb their suffering, to shoulder it for them, we simply cannot. It is their journey, and our role is not to fix it but to walk beside them. So how can we show up in meaningful, supportive ways without offering empty words or repeating well-worn advice?
Hold Space Without Filling It
Silence can be one of the most powerful ways to show love. So often, we feel compelled to say something, anything, to ease the discomfort of pain. But instead of searching for the perfect words, try simply being present. Sit with them in their grief. Let them talk, cry, or say nothing at all. Being a steady presence can speak volumes more than any well-intentioned words ever could.
Acknowledge Without Trying to Solve
One of the most painful things for someone in distress is feeling unheard. When they express their pain, resist the urge to offer solutions or compare their experience to something you’ve been through. Instead, acknowledge what they’re feeling: “I hear you. That sounds incredibly hard.” Sometimes, knowing they are seen and validated is all they need.
Offer Tangible Help
Rather than saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” offer specific assistance. Bring them a meal, run an errand, pick up their kids from school, or handle a small task that might be overwhelming in their current state. Practical support can be a lifeline when grief or hardship makes even basic tasks feel impossible.
Respect Their Process
Healing is not linear, and everyone moves through pain at their own pace. Some days they may want to talk, other days they may withdraw. Some moments will be filled with tears, others with unexpected laughter. Let them lead the way, and don’t impose expectations on what their grief should look like.
Lean on Faith, If That Feels Right
For many, faith provides comfort, but in moments of deep pain, even the most devout can struggle. If faith is a part of their life, remind them gently of their beliefs without forcing platitudes. Instead of saying, “Everything happens for a reason,” try, “I am holding you in my prayers” or “I am here to sit with you in this, however long it takes.” Sometimes, embodying faith through love and patience is more powerful than words.
Encourage Without Pushing
There may come a time when they need professional help, whether it’s therapy, a support group, or other resources. If you sense they’re struggling beyond what they can bear, gently encourage them without making them feel broken or weak for needing help. You can say, “You don’t have to go through this alone,” and offer to help them take that step when they’re ready.
Find Your Own Support
Loving someone in pain can be exhausting. You cannot pour from an empty cup, so lean on your own faith, family, or friends when you need to process your emotions. Supporting them doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs; it means showing up from a place of strength rather than depletion.
Love Them Through It
At the heart of it all, the best thing you can do is love them. Love them when they cry, when they push you away, when they don’t have the words, when they feel stuck. Love them not by trying to remove their pain, but by being someone who remains, steady and unwavering, no matter how long the journey takes.
Because sometimes, the greatest gift we can give is simply showing up, again and again, with love.
Mothersense and Miscellaneous 