Category: This Life

Things change!! People Change?

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

Do people change? Can meaningful change occur because a person tries? Can changes happen because of circumstances? SO many people I know think that people do not change who they are at the core of thier being. I know that people CAN change. Sometimes the changes are not for the better. They change in reaction to circumstances. They choose to invest their time differently and it alters how they live their lives and the people they interact with on a regular basis.

I have to believe that people change. I know that they can change for the better and I know they can change for the worse. But the point is that people do change. It does not happen overnight. A lifetime of habits cannot be broken overnight. A chain smoker will not simply quit cold turkey and never pick up the habit again. A truck driver who has spent his life with irregular sleep habits will not be fixed in mere days. It takes time and real effort.

My husband is experiencing numerous changes, he hasn’t been able to work. He is fighting the pain and the feelings of uselessness. I suspect he battles some depression as well although I cannot imagine that he would admit it. My children are in a loving home and yet we seem to be in constant upheaval because there is no diagnosis for their dad’s lengthy battle with this pain. I do not know what is causing the pain. We have been able to get in to see a doctor and this doctor seems to think that there may be more to it than post surgical pain. It may be his back. It may be the actual structure of his body that is supposed to support him. But with all of this I see my husband changing…I expect it is a temporary change because we are climbing uphill with this medical mess but it is a change.

I see a change in myself. I see me snapping and being resentful of having the majority of the responsibilities land on my shoulders, or I am doling out more responsibility to my older children and they are not the least bit happy about it. The changes they are taking place and whether they are permanent or only temporary they happen.

My point in this post about change is that it is inevitable. Change happens. People can change. No one will change overnight (unless there is a medical trauma involved and then it is possible). Change takes work. Change is hard to accept. Let us pray that the changes are good for us. Let me not lose hope in this situation. Lets take this time to grow closer as a family so that we may be stronger when we do come out the other side of it all.

Roller Coaster

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

I have not had much time lately for writing and it bothers me in a way that I cannot put into words. The roller coaster of life has me hanging on by a thread. November 7th had the hubs in surgery. Prior to that we thought he had pancreatitis and he actually could have acute pancreatitis or something else altogether. The removal of the gall bladder has helped some and it was obviously malfunctioning because the tests showed that it was. Follow me here because there is some sarcasm laced into my words. My husband is still in pain, not the sort of pain you would expect after an abdominal surgery we are nearly two weeks out and he should be getting better, but he isn’t. He still has continued nausea, abdominal pain, and fatigue. Is it too much to ask to get a doctor on board to review all of this and come up with an answer?? We tried using Care Now doctors and signed up for their plan to save us money but their physician sent us back to the ER. That was one week post- op and we land back in the ER with a 6 hour wait to see a doctor and be treated. They find nothing. They are as confused as we are about us being told to return to the ER. We just want the pain to stop. I don’t want to lose my husband. I want him to be well and to provide for our family. I want to be able to grow old with him and watch his hair gray completely (he’s had gray hair since he was 16). Where do we catch a break on this? The kids are divided into two camps- they are either worried about their dad and what is going on or they are wondering what the heck is going on and are experiencing a fraction of my frustration.
Motherhood is laced with so many instances of “What do I do?” and this is one of those. We are on a roller-coaster here and the kids are not stupid, they are picking up on my stress and frustration. I cannot completely explain the ins and outs of this medical mess to them but I also have to tell them something. I have to at least eek out enough money for their activities and new jeans for the girls. My friends are pondering the big Thanksgiving feast or going Christmas shopping and I am smiling at them, I love them. I love that they can do that for their families but I am seriously concerned about this holiday season. Its not just the money, it is the anniversary of hubby losing his brother. Our first full holiday season without Bubba…December 9, 2013. And that date is approaching too…
Mommas out there… I need you to know that if you are frustrated, exhausted, depleted and the roller-coaster of life is getting to you. I AM HERE. I AM WITH YOU. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and although my journey may be different from yours, the light is there. We just have to believe and we need to use the resources available!!! We don’t have to bear it alone!!

And the verdict….ehhh…not really clear

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

SO if you read recently you know that the hubs was down for a week in the hospital. They diagnosed pancreatitis in the ER and admitted him to treat this condition with one doctor overseeing his care. This doctor then called in a GI specialist who ordered more tests, all the while we are “treating” the pancreatitis by not eating. The GI doctor dismisses the pancreatitis and orders a hida scan and an EGD, one test will look at gallbladder function and another will see whether or not there is an ulcer in his stomach. Well the verdict came back and the EGD was not even performed. My husband’s gallbladder is just plain not functioning. This makes it necessary to have surgery. I can deal with surgery. I have had this surgery. My oldest child has had this surgery. It really isn’t a big deal but it still does not explain that swollen spleen and elevated white count that landed us on this journey. I did notice that they were giving him IV antibiotics though something that previous visits had ignored. I by no means have a medical degree but I have been around enough medical to know that an elevated white count indicates an infection even if you cannot find out where that infection is at….to me that is a no-brainer. SO aside from treating the infection his previous symptoms are disregarded and we focus on the gallbladder. I am glad it is out. He also had an intestinal blockage, but no one really explained that one to us. While I am not stupid I am also not pleased that right after the surgery no one came to speak to me, I waited watching aboard for hours!!! HOURS!! I watched the surgical board for 3 hours while my husband was out of sight and moved from holding to in procedure to in recovery. The procedure took a little more than an hour and I waited and I paced, and I read Facebook posts, as I waited for someone to come and tell me that everything was ok. I never once talked to the surgeon. I was completely helpless to do anything for my husband except pray and these people these professionals completely disregarded me!!! I was scared after a while. I sat with another family as they waited and asked if the surgeon had come to speak to them afterwards and they said he had, I didn’t get that. The surgery waiting room cleared out as this family was told their patient was being moved to her room. And I sat some more…and watched as people passed by…And then an angel asked if she could help me. I told her that I had sat and stared at this board for 3 hours waiting to get some word from at least a nurse and I hadn’t. They told my husband that I was not there. I was there!!! I went to get a drink and to the chapel to pray. Unfortunately the chapel was just a room with chairs because the entire campus is under construction. But I digress….

The answer we got overall was that the pain was his gallbladder and an underlying infection that was not definitive. He got exceptional treatment form the entire staff and I will happily get over my hurt feelings if this is indeed the answer to our prayers and that this pain is over and done with.

So whether it is pancratitis or if the gallbladder was the answer. Either way we know what to o for it now. I am off to enjoy some down time and maybe get some sleep.

IT HAS A NAME!!!!

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

Ok. I haven’t been keeping up with my writing so much with all of the craziness that has been going on in my house but really I AM RELIEVED!!! My husband’s condition, the reason he has been in so much pain, with no appetite, losing 20 pounds in 3 weeks….acute pancreatitis!!! It has a name!!! We are not crazy!!! He IS NOT some drug seeking person floating in and out of the ER!!! There is a diagnosis!! We can fix this!!! As I type I am accompanied by my 5 year old trying to get him to lay down and sleep. I left my husband in the caring hands of the folks at the hospital to come home and do mom duty. Oh it is the wee hours of the morning and I honestly could use the sleep but my mind races with joy and I cannot thank the folks who are praying!! GOD is GOOD!!! I am so excited. This makes sense!!! It fits!!! And there is treatment!!! It is not pleasant, but there is a treatment!!!
***BACKSTORY*** This has happened before and it took 8 excruciating months and tons of ER and doctor visits to only be told that it was an ulcer that had caused all of the pain. At the time the diagnosis did not matter it only mattered that we had one and the symptoms went away with treatment. The ulcer was most likely caused by the 6 pill a day hydrocodone that the doctor had him taking, but hey I’m just a mom. Pancreatitis fits this case better. It makes sense that what happened 3 years ago was also pancreatitis. Praise the Lord!!

Currently my husband has been admitted to the hospital, one that actually had a sympathetic doctor that understood how frustrating it must have been to have pain with no known cause and to keep being treated as though he were only seeking pain meds!!! Well of course he was!!! He was in pain!! BUT we also wanted to know why!!??? WHY was he hurting so badly that he couldn’t eat? Why was his spleen swollen? WHY were all of his labs coming back “normal”?? There was nothing normal about his pain, the pale face and hands….but I digress. A wonderful man, GOD bless him named Dr. Hamilton has now given me reason to hope!!! This angel has given me answers where I thought there were not going to be any….

Ladies and gentlemen I must get some sort of sleep but just needed to get some very real, very good news out there!!! Acute pancreatitis!!! IT HAS A NAME!!! (FYI the pancreas is really not all that cute at all 😉 )

To Google or not to Google – Diagnosis from a Mom

by Mothersense, posted in This Life

I really know that doctors hate that you google your symptoms and try to self-diagnose yourself.  But honestly what are you supposed to do when doctors, medical professionals, cannot or will not give you clear answers as to why it is that your body hates you – and in this case my husband’s body.  We are in the 3rd or 4th episode this year of DH experiencing various symptoms. Plug these symptoms into google and you get some pretty scary stuff.  Three years ago we had similar experience and he did not work for 8 months!! I am looking at the bright side, my husband is alive.  He could potentially be very ill or it could be a nasty virus. The thing is I must choose to look on the UP side of this.  I must find a way to stay level-headed and try not to panic. Mom’s do not get to panic, they should be rational.  Wives do not get to panic or have nervous breakdowns. ( I truly hope you hear the sarcasm dripping off of these last couple of sentences because its complete BULL, I am not a robot) Running the symptoms through Google may scare me a bit, but I choose to believe that God has got this, HE has got me and mine.

We shall soldier on in the day to day as we seek answers for whatever condition DH may have. Currently he has crawled to the tub to soak for awhile.  I am about to jump off the blog and Facebook to search down medical records.