October was the magic month we had been waiting for and I had a really good feeling about it. I was going to move up in my Younique business, get the kids sleep schedules back on track, catch up on laundry and my to-do list. AND the BIG ONE – we were going to get answers from the neurologist. It hasn’t happened yet. The other stuff it will get done and I will promote my business like I should, but this wait and wait and testing only to get nothing is so frustrating and it makes me sad. Not going to lie to you people it makes things feel so impossible. It feels like we are getting nowhere. Nothing has been ruled out, nothing has been diagnosed. We do need to check into home health care helpers – not sure who is going to pay for that…I have orders for a wheelchair to help get hubs around to doctors appointments. Some days are good and he can get around, other days are not and he needs help with stuff. And then there are the kids, keeping them busy, answering their questions, trying to be as normal as we can be given the limitations on funds and time restraints. Ehh I sound like I am complaining and maybe I am…but then today is just one of those days that I am sad. I slog through the rain to tend to horses, help calm the baby my daughter is babysitting, find a place that can get us a wheelchair for doctors appointments, check emails, it all seems so much like drudgery. BUT then a little ray of sunshine comes through, maybe its a phone call, text, message, or FB post…but it comes through and makes the day a little better. For me, today it was the lady on the other end of the phone who was so sweet and so sympathetic when I told her we needed to get a wheelchair for my husband. A wheelchair y’all!!!! Granted it is only for days when we are out and about but still, he needs one. A walker was ruled out because there are times his arm does the muscle twitchy thing and would not be able to hold up his weight. I’d like to go back 2 years when I thought things were awful and they really weren’t, they were just the beginning of some of the awful. We have been on a journey y’all and by the grace of God I am still here. Still putting on my armor everyday and still carrying a little hope in me that there will be sunshine after the rain.
Category: This Life
It is a BIG BIG world – that really is TINY.
This week we have been so busy with routine things. I have been working on a Fired Up and Focused challenge for my business and it has been AMAZING!! Personal and business development is a life-long learning experience! We have made one trip to the ER with my husband following a pretty good fall. My ‘nother child in college is having a case of the blues and there isn’t much I can do about it, cannot make people be her friend! 😦 Oldest daughter having tooth pains which required a 3 hour visit to the dentist’s office and then we wait to make sure insurance will pay for the crowns! Homeschooling lessons that are engaging and fun and let the kiddos learn, yeah we are working on that one!!
So folks there is a HUGE amount of people in the world. Making it a BIG BIG world. However thanks to Facebook and an awesome group of prayer warriors I have discovered that sometimes the world shrinks a little. You see a wonderful woman who is also a hairstylist and grew up in my tiny corner of the world has had a bilateral stroke and things are not looking good for her long term. Turns out our family and behavioral therapist is one of this angels clients!!! Small world!! We connect with people in so many ways and on so many levels that as scary as the world is we can connect with people. This lovely hairstylist who does such a great job for her clients is now facing the battle for her life and we are standing together in prayer for her to get better. She may not remember me as I was such a small part of her early life, but I remember her and I will pray for her and her friends and loved ones because when we were kids she extended kindness to me!! And even if she was a stranger I would pray for her because its who I am.
And more BIG world Small world…There is a wonderful Younique presenter that I have met through Facebook who is facing the same diagnostic struggles that my husband is facing!! The pains are so similar when she spoke about them I just KNEW exactly what she was going to say before she ever said it!! The little bit of numbness in her hands and arms, tingling in her toes and tripping over and stumbling through the day!! And as awful as it is that she is experiencing this, my husband is NOT alone!! It is not something he conjured up in his head, it is real and someone else is going through the same thing!! That part feels amazing!! Feeling like you are alone in an uphill battle is never fun!! Realizing that there are others in the world that know what you are going through as awful as your struggle may be, it feels good, you feel validated. You feel less alone!
My week is winding down but we can totally manage some meal planning, lesson plans, working my business, and a few phone calls. I hope when you read this a light dawns on you. Reach out. Make that call. Send that message!! You can make a difference with just a few words, a gesture, whatever you can manage. You can make the world a smaller and more accepting place!! GO be Beautiful!! Love and light!
The Road goes on Forever…meet the crew
Sept 2
Today I head into the local workforce center for some sort of orientation. It is mandatory because we have had to apply for federal assistance. I do not know if anyone knows or understands that being on federal assistance, when you come from a long line of blue collar joes, is a pride swallowing, soul sucking endeavor. Most people will “get” that you are asking for help, but when you are tasked with being THE person to do the asking and sometimes it feels as if you are pleading for help, it drains you. When your days are filled with phone calls concerning the health of at least one of your family members and fighting with insurance to cover things that so many take for granted. I am grateful that the assistance is there; however, I am not thrilled that I have to arrange for someone to come and stay with my family while I attend this orientation and then patch my husband through via phone because he doesn’t travel well and sitting in an office chair for 60-90 minutes will hurt him too badly. So today we will do orientation at the local workforce center. I have so much to be grateful for but right now I want to explain part of our current journey. A little “meet the crew” if you will.
My youngest girl, well she has horrible headaches and jaw problems. The simplest fix is for her to get orthodontic intervention that will re-align her jaw hopefully cutting down on the teeth grinding and most likely will put an end to most of her headaches. That is a simple solution and definitely less expensive, however Medicaid has stopped covering braces or orthodontic intervention unless it is deemed “medically necessary” so we had to be referred to a neurologist, then back to the primary care provider as a follow up and then a consultation with the orthodontist ALL so these 3 medical professionals can decide that braces and orthodontic treatment are medically necessary. Now mind you this is not a simple “straightening of the teeth” this is jaw re-alignment and straightening of the teeth which should reduce her TMJ symptoms, teeth grinding, and straighten her teeth. Someone explain to me why this loop of ridiculousness is necessary?? Why is her PCP and orthodontist word that fixing her jaw is “medically necessary” not good enough?? Oh and now the neurologist has referred us to 2 more specialists opthamologist and cardiologist, just to be on the safe side and ordered a slew of blood tests. ALL to get a jaw and teeth fixed. This is the logic I am dealing with on a daily basis. Trying to find some way to help my child who is in pain at least 4 days out of the week and often wakes herself from sleep because she is grinding her teeth!!
My husband is a different story entirely. Enrollment papers were not mailed out to us so we defaulted into a healthcare plan that we did not choose. We find out this error when his neurologist calls to confirm his appointment and get his insurance information. So guess what?? Yeah, that neurologist doesn’t accept this insurance!! So what looked like HOPE…that we got into a neurologist rather quickly has turned into NOPE…BTW I made that appointment for hubs at the same time in June that I made my daughter’s (her appointment was August 27). Primary care doctor wants to have cervical and head MRI done, to get a better picture. He tries 3 times and insurance denies. So he refers to neurologist hoping that as a specialist the neuro will have more luck getting tests ran. We may wind up going to a hospital and asking to be admitted for observation and testing. Honestly I feel desperate at times. Sleep deprived sitting up answering surveys, working my Younique business, blogging, researching figuring out some way to hustle up money to pay the bills.
My middle gal, I love her to pieces as she has such a terrific heart and she can be an incredible person. BUT, yeah you knew it was coming, she has an alphabet of diagnoses. NO really, PDD-NOS (aka autism spectrum disorder), BPD rapid cycling, ADHD, ODD and a couple of others but I try not to focus on the diagnoses because she is so much more than all of those letters. Oh and let us not forget she is also 14 and hormonal and teen girls WITHOUT any neurological and gastric issues are in and of themselves a handful. And my middle gal is more than a handful. She has good days that can be incredibly awesome where she sleeps well, wakes up refreshed and accomplishes all of her tasks for school work and even may do some chores. But those bad days man they are doozies here lately. We had taken her off medication because she was homeschooled and we wanted her to learn coping mechanisms versus using pharmaceuticals as a crutch. Don’t get me wrong, modern medicine is AMAZING, but she is still developing all of the things that will make her who she is and I (we) are not fans of what some medications can do to a developing young person.
Then we have the oldest of our girls (the ones I gave birth to) and she has dyslexia and asthma along with an old shoulder injury that acts up from time to time. She is a real doll and my biggest helper and cheer leader. She is so dang smart, until you put her on the spot to read something and then she sort of shuts down. She learns by doing and seeing things done. She loves a good story but reading is problematic and she has lovely handwriting because her stubborn little butt sat down and hand copied the library books she brought home and PRACTICED her pretty handwriting!! I let her use my kindle a lot because it has text to speech and she can make pretty much any book an audio book and I try to help her understand literature by having her follow along the text to audio or watch a movie or play versus reading them. She has pretty darn good instincts too and is sensitive to energies around her and that may come in handy with the horses she plans on training.
We also have Babyboy in the house, he is almost 6 and he was our unexpected surprise baby!! Like for real the doctor congratulated us and apologized in the same breath!! He is an awesome little dude. SO articulate and he loves Farming Simulator and Minecraft and videos of people doing things and building things. Think planes, trains, and automobiles and that pretty much cover it and LEGOS, cannot forget about legos!! He is a boy alright and also loves to be outside and get dirty but hates to take a bath and wash his hair. He is a real snuggle bug too and is so very generous with smiles and hugs and will absolutely out of nowhere tell you that he loves you.
You may have already noticed that Big boy and Big girl have left the nest to pursue other things and for that I am humbled, grateful, proud, and just a little sad. I will when necessary update on their young adult lives but my focus on this blog is the journey of life and those we encounter so be prepared to meet some characters along the way. And while it seems like time has hit fast forward in some places and in others its as if someone has hit pause. How can that be?? My kids are all growing up and getting older and yet we still seem stuck in the same situation. Faith is the hope in things not seen. Giving up is not an option when someone is calling you mommy. Love and light readers. God Bless ya for reading!
Just a short post…
My friend suggested that I make a habit of doing a Thankful Thursday post of so.e sort. Well here goes…
If your have ever lived in a small town you know that you touch the lives of dang near everyone at some point if you are there long enough. This week has been rough in our little corner. We buried a 33 year old man who was a son, a brother, a husband, father, and friend. We also will say good bye to a man who was also a son,father, husband,brother, and friend except he had lived a good long life. Both men will be sorely missed. Life is too short to live with “what might have beens” live each day to the fullest, to the best of your ability, love people even when they suck, make someone smile, share a bug, share a testimony, really live because none of us are promised tomorrow! Love and light readers of the interwebs!
Real Talk Time – My Y Song
Alright folks I dashed off about 300 words for y’all. That was hard!! I wanted to give you sooo much more because there is so much more going on here at 7R Round up!!!
Sparing you icky details of the last few months we have made little to no progress on a diagnosis for my husband. We know his back was the cause of the pain and may have been triggered by the surgery and having to take it easy. The doctor has said he may have MS or another neurological condition but that he needs surgery on his thoracic spine and possibly his lumbar later in life!! For now on that front we manage the pain let him do what he can, and pray for better news later. Kids are back on their homeschool lessons and we have added my little man to the mix learning as he goes and doing some more formal school work. Horses are doing well. Parents are getting older. Let’s move on to more interesting subjects. *winking* ME!!
Me personally- I am on a journey y’all. I am tired and feel so dad gum exhausted all the time. So I am starting an exercise routine and have had a dear friend volunteer to keep me moving and accountable and if anyone can do it he can! I am going to take care of me because there are people counting on me to be at 100% for a very long time!! SO I want to lose the weight, look fabulous, and FEEL good!! I have also become a Younique presenter which has also opened some doors for me. The company recently challenged presenters to use Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song” and lip sync to it and for every video Younique Corporate would donate $$ to The Younique Foundation for sexually abused women. These videos made me feel all sorts of feels. I am a sexual assault survivior. I have been victimized but I am not a victim. I have fought long and hard with myself about all of these feelings and what to do with them. I did not have the courage shown by so many Younique presenters to do a video but I am saying it here. Details don’t matter. I am the 1 in 4 (I have 3 sisters). I did not report any of my assaults, not the first time and not the last (there was more than one). It had me twisted up in knots y’all!! I did not see my value on this Earth for a long time. I drank too much and was essentially trying really hard to numb the pain. I was essentially in a self-destruct mode. I blamed myself and believed all of the awful things that were said about me. Damaged Broken Worthless Shameful there was so very much to feel then and these videos, these women openly stating what happened to them, it had me feeling all the feels all over again. And it sucks but only sort of…You see people I am a victim or sexual assault, but I also survived it, I overcame the worst, darkest, painful days of my life and because I had told NO ONE, I did it “alone.” Alone in the sense that no other human knew about these terrible dark things except the other humans involved in the incidents. Now there are a few that will not be surprised by this post because I have openly talked about it with them but this was long after I had become a wife and mother. Ladies I pray you NEVER have to experience sexual assault, and if you have bear with me because my story may not be like yours. The journey I am on is to complete my healing. I am not the victim. I am the survivor, not because it is POLITICALLY CORRECT to be a survivor and not a victim, but because it is the right word to choose. When I chose to binge drink and do all sorts of crazy things that could have ended my life, I was a victim, I was letting what happened to me change me in a bad way. I am a survivor because I am coming to terms with all of it and I want so badly to heal. I have to choose forgiveness. I have to know with every fiber of my being that I did not ask to be assaulted. I have to know that regardless of my sexual history I wasn’t asking to be assaulted. I have to understand that flirting does not mean I wanted to be assaulted. I am working on all of that. The wounds have been healing all these years and I thought I was finished. I had moved on, married, had a family, but I have not completely healed because I still have trouble seeing the faces of those men. I shudder at the idea of running into them. It is getting better now that I am being more open about it but this long road doesn’t have to be your journey. You can get help now. The legal system was only involved in one case and that is because he tried to turn the tables and claim I had taken advantage of him and I had to sit in a detective’s office and explain in explicit and anatomical detail what had happened to me. My purpose in writing this and putting it out there on the internet is not to name names or to shame anyone. It is to shatter the idea that RAPE is something we should be ashamed to discuss. Sexual assault, sexual abuse, happens way too often and society needs to STEP UP and do something. I want other women to not feel the way I felt, to not keep it inside, don’t lock it away. GET REAL. GET HELP. And if you need to reach out to someone I am here. And there are many others out there like us who are taking this step in healing. I pray my 4 girls never have to deal with this issue. WE can change the 1 in 4!! Love and light readers!!!
If you have specific questions about the Younique Foundation, please email questions@youniquefoundation.org or call (385)245-4556
Mothersense and Miscellaneous 