I am a mother to wonderfully challenging children. I married my best friend. Eternal Student. Amateur Photographer. Friend. Caregiver. I taught English in public schools for 2 years and am now working at home proofreading and copywriting and working in financial services. I write about my experiences in life and those of loved ones.
My friend suggested that I make a habit of doing a Thankful Thursday post of so.e sort. Well here goes…
If your have ever lived in a small town you know that you touch the lives of dang near everyone at some point if you are there long enough. This week has been rough in our little corner. We buried a 33 year old man who was a son, a brother, a husband, father, and friend. We also will say good bye to a man who was also a son,father, husband,brother, and friend except he had lived a good long life. Both men will be sorely missed. Life is too short to live with “what might have beens” live each day to the fullest, to the best of your ability, love people even when they suck, make someone smile, share a bug, share a testimony, really live because none of us are promised tomorrow! Love and light readers of the interwebs!
I am quietly watching as the minutes of my 39th year tick slowly away. Tomorrow I will be 40. I don’t feel 40! I don’t LOOK 40!! As a matter of records people have mistaken my bearded nearly 20 year old son as my husband!! With my 40 years has come some painful lessons. Most importantly it has given me knowledge and wisdom. I would not be the person I am today without the good the bad and the ugly that is my past. Frankly I like the person I have become. I am not terribly thrilled with my present financial situation and my husband’s health but I figure God is working on me. I am mindful of my journey and I realize that little humans are watching me, even more so now than before, maybe so see if I am really going to crack or if I will come through the other side of this crisis. But turning 40, celebrating this supposedly momentous birthday?? I want to, I want to celebrate really really bad. But what do I do with my husband?? He isn’t getting around so well, he doesn’t get out of the house much and a party or any extended period of time away from rest is just not realistic. Where is the fabulous in this situation? Go party like I want to and celebrate and leave him at home?? Compounding my issue is that his birthday is 2 days later…chew on that. We are financially strapped. I can’t leave for extended periods of time, and his birthday is coming up too, except he will be 37…
I will tell you that its rough right now. The number alone makes me feel old. My oldest is nearly 20. My baby is almost 6 and will be in Kindergarten this fall. No more babies for me. Of course that would also imply that I am doing the required act to create a baby or that I had not had surgery to prevent having anymore babies!! And i have another one heading off to college. She came into our lives sort of on a whim because she had nowhere else to go just 2 short years ago. Now she is headed off into this cruel world without many ties to family and only herself. She knows she always has a home here but it will never be the same. SO that doesn’t leave me with an empty nest at all. We are gearing up for all of our fun homeschool stuff to start…ok its not all fun and games. The reality is that I am getting older, as are my parents, and my children. Can I just freeze time here? It won’t work because then there is no forward motion for any of us and that has to happen. I sort of feel like I am grieving. I feel as though I am missing something that I missed a vital part of my life somehow. I know I did not. I have had all of the standard rites of passage and then some but now am I expected to be some full fledged ADULT?? What does it mean to be 40?? No more ponytails? Wrinkles? Grey hair? I am not there yet and I am certainly still willing to take on the world if need be, although maybe tomorrow because today I am pooped. How did you do 40?? What changes?? Why does it FEEL like I am losing something. Its hard to even SAY that I am going to be 40! Like where did 40 years go?? I was just 23 with 2 kids just a few days ago?!!!
Well folks I think I have pondered enough tonight. 40 is coming and I reckon I am feeling it a bit. For now I will work on my make-up tutorials and watch some NCIS (MARK HARMON) and rest a little. Life is too short for the doldrums and 40 can’t be so bad. Farewell 30s you were mostly good to me!!
Alright folks I dashed off about 300 words for y’all. That was hard!! I wanted to give you sooo much more because there is so much more going on here at 7R Round up!!!
Sparing you icky details of the last few months we have made little to no progress on a diagnosis for my husband. We know his back was the cause of the pain and may have been triggered by the surgery and having to take it easy. The doctor has said he may have MS or another neurological condition but that he needs surgery on his thoracic spine and possibly his lumbar later in life!! For now on that front we manage the pain let him do what he can, and pray for better news later. Kids are back on their homeschool lessons and we have added my little man to the mix learning as he goes and doing some more formal school work. Horses are doing well. Parents are getting older. Let’s move on to more interesting subjects. *winking* ME!!
Me personally- I am on a journey y’all. I am tired and feel so dad gum exhausted all the time. So I am starting an exercise routine and have had a dear friend volunteer to keep me moving and accountable and if anyone can do it he can! I am going to take care of me because there are people counting on me to be at 100% for a very long time!! SO I want to lose the weight, look fabulous, and FEEL good!! I have also become a Younique presenter which has also opened some doors for me. The company recently challenged presenters to use Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song” and lip sync to it and for every video Younique Corporate would donate $$ to The Younique Foundation for sexually abused women. These videos made me feel all sorts of feels. I am a sexual assault survivior. I have been victimized but I am not a victim. I have fought long and hard with myself about all of these feelings and what to do with them. I did not have the courage shown by so many Younique presenters to do a video but I am saying it here. Details don’t matter. I am the 1 in 4 (I have 3 sisters). I did not report any of my assaults, not the first time and not the last (there was more than one). It had me twisted up in knots y’all!! I did not see my value on this Earth for a long time. I drank too much and was essentially trying really hard to numb the pain. I was essentially in a self-destruct mode. I blamed myself and believed all of the awful things that were said about me. Damaged Broken Worthless Shameful there was so very much to feel then and these videos, these women openly stating what happened to them, it had me feeling all the feels all over again. And it sucks but only sort of…You see people I am a victim or sexual assault, but I also survived it, I overcame the worst, darkest, painful days of my life and because I had told NO ONE, I did it “alone.” Alone in the sense that no other human knew about these terrible dark things except the other humans involved in the incidents. Now there are a few that will not be surprised by this post because I have openly talked about it with them but this was long after I had become a wife and mother. Ladies I pray you NEVER have to experience sexual assault, and if you have bear with me because my story may not be like yours. The journey I am on is to complete my healing. I am not the victim. I am the survivor, not because it is POLITICALLY CORRECT to be a survivor and not a victim, but because it is the right word to choose. When I chose to binge drink and do all sorts of crazy things that could have ended my life, I was a victim, I was letting what happened to me change me in a bad way. I am a survivor because I am coming to terms with all of it and I want so badly to heal. I have to choose forgiveness. I have to know with every fiber of my being that I did not ask to be assaulted. I have to know that regardless of my sexual history I wasn’t asking to be assaulted. I have to understand that flirting does not mean I wanted to be assaulted. I am working on all of that. The wounds have been healing all these years and I thought I was finished. I had moved on, married, had a family, but I have not completely healed because I still have trouble seeing the faces of those men. I shudder at the idea of running into them. It is getting better now that I am being more open about it but this long road doesn’t have to be your journey. You can get help now. The legal system was only involved in one case and that is because he tried to turn the tables and claim I had taken advantage of him and I had to sit in a detective’s office and explain in explicit and anatomical detail what had happened to me. My purpose in writing this and putting it out there on the internet is not to name names or to shame anyone. It is to shatter the idea that RAPE is something we should be ashamed to discuss. Sexual assault, sexual abuse, happens way too often and society needs to STEP UP and do something. I want other women to not feel the way I felt, to not keep it inside, don’t lock it away. GET REAL. GET HELP. And if you need to reach out to someone I am here. And there are many others out there like us who are taking this step in healing. I pray my 4 girls never have to deal with this issue. WE can change the 1 in 4!! Love and light readers!!!
If you have specific questions about the Younique Foundation, please email questions@youniquefoundation.org or call (385)245-4556
I used the word depleted in a previous post ya’ll…I had NO IDEA how STRONG and RESOURCEFUL I actually can be!! When you are down you are in the best position to pray, and I have!! I have had people praying for me and honestly I can FEEL it!! I can also FEEL so many people counting on me to make this work. Whew!! We are in July 2015 at the tail end of it! The 6-15 year old kids have started back to their lessons everyday, we are still eeking out enough help here and there and odd jobs to pay the bills…most of them. I’ll tell ya what though I LOVE the strength of my friends and family for carrying me through!!! Without the people around me I probably would have gone batshit crazy by now. My oldest has 2 tattoos now,*sigh* and has decided he wants to work instead of go to school. My parents are aging so much each week I am truly scared that our time with them is limited. Have one more leaving the nest next month to head off into college. My youngest daughter is grinding her teeth pretty regularly in her sleep and may be the cause of her headaches but we still get to consult with a neurologist! YAY (no not really) Hubby’s medical issues are managed, we do know that degenerative disc disease plays a part of the pain but it is not the whole issue. Doc has said he may never drive a truck again. Right now he canot bathe alone and has fallen several times trying to get to the bathroom. Ladies and gents this is my row to hoe and its tough but there is a wise sounding 18 year old that once told me: “Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright” aka ELTIGBA…and I love her for it more than she will ever know!! When I am depleted I look to those around me, I count my tiny little blessings and Thank God he gave me a new day to wear all my many hats that I wear each day!! Love and light folks!! Make today count!!
Do people change? Can meaningful change occur because a person tries? Can changes happen because of circumstances? SO many people I know think that people do not change who they are at the core of thier being. I know that people CAN change. Sometimes the changes are not for the better. They change in reaction to circumstances. They choose to invest their time differently and it alters how they live their lives and the people they interact with on a regular basis.
I have to believe that people change. I know that they can change for the better and I know they can change for the worse. But the point is that people do change. It does not happen overnight. A lifetime of habits cannot be broken overnight. A chain smoker will not simply quit cold turkey and never pick up the habit again. A truck driver who has spent his life with irregular sleep habits will not be fixed in mere days. It takes time and real effort.
My husband is experiencing numerous changes, he hasn’t been able to work. He is fighting the pain and the feelings of uselessness. I suspect he battles some depression as well although I cannot imagine that he would admit it. My children are in a loving home and yet we seem to be in constant upheaval because there is no diagnosis for their dad’s lengthy battle with this pain. I do not know what is causing the pain. We have been able to get in to see a doctor and this doctor seems to think that there may be more to it than post surgical pain. It may be his back. It may be the actual structure of his body that is supposed to support him. But with all of this I see my husband changing…I expect it is a temporary change because we are climbing uphill with this medical mess but it is a change.
I see a change in myself. I see me snapping and being resentful of having the majority of the responsibilities land on my shoulders, or I am doling out more responsibility to my older children and they are not the least bit happy about it. The changes they are taking place and whether they are permanent or only temporary they happen.
My point in this post about change is that it is inevitable. Change happens. People can change. No one will change overnight (unless there is a medical trauma involved and then it is possible). Change takes work. Change is hard to accept. Let us pray that the changes are good for us. Let me not lose hope in this situation. Lets take this time to grow closer as a family so that we may be stronger when we do come out the other side of it all.
Mothersense and Miscellaneous 