I am quietly watching as the minutes of my 39th year tick slowly away. Tomorrow I will be 40. I don’t feel 40! I don’t LOOK 40!! As a matter of records people have mistaken my bearded nearly 20 year old son as my husband!! With my 40 years has come some painful lessons. Most importantly it has given me knowledge and wisdom. I would not be the person I am today without the good the bad and the ugly that is my past. Frankly I like the person I have become. I am not terribly thrilled with my present financial situation and my husband’s health but I figure God is working on me. I am mindful of my journey and I realize that little humans are watching me, even more so now than before, maybe so see if I am really going to crack or if I will come through the other side of this crisis. But turning 40, celebrating this supposedly momentous birthday?? I want to, I want to celebrate really really bad. But what do I do with my husband?? He isn’t getting around so well, he doesn’t get out of the house much and a party or any extended period of time away from rest is just not realistic. Where is the fabulous in this situation? Go party like I want to and celebrate and leave him at home?? Compounding my issue is that his birthday is 2 days later…chew on that. We are financially strapped. I can’t leave for extended periods of time, and his birthday is coming up too, except he will be 37…
I will tell you that its rough right now. The number alone makes me feel old. My oldest is nearly 20. My baby is almost 6 and will be in Kindergarten this fall. No more babies for me. Of course that would also imply that I am doing the required act to create a baby or that I had not had surgery to prevent having anymore babies!! And i have another one heading off to college. She came into our lives sort of on a whim because she had nowhere else to go just 2 short years ago. Now she is headed off into this cruel world without many ties to family and only herself. She knows she always has a home here but it will never be the same. SO that doesn’t leave me with an empty nest at all. We are gearing up for all of our fun homeschool stuff to start…ok its not all fun and games. The reality is that I am getting older, as are my parents, and my children. Can I just freeze time here? It won’t work because then there is no forward motion for any of us and that has to happen. I sort of feel like I am grieving. I feel as though I am missing something that I missed a vital part of my life somehow. I know I did not. I have had all of the standard rites of passage and then some but now am I expected to be some full fledged ADULT?? What does it mean to be 40?? No more ponytails? Wrinkles? Grey hair? I am not there yet and I am certainly still willing to take on the world if need be, although maybe tomorrow because today I am pooped. How did you do 40?? What changes?? Why does it FEEL like I am losing something. Its hard to even SAY that I am going to be 40! Like where did 40 years go?? I was just 23 with 2 kids just a few days ago?!!!
Well folks I think I have pondered enough tonight. 40 is coming and I reckon I am feeling it a bit. For now I will work on my make-up tutorials and watch some NCIS (MARK HARMON) and rest a little. Life is too short for the doldrums and 40 can’t be so bad. Farewell 30s you were mostly good to me!!
Mothersense and Miscellaneous 