Mothersense and Miscellaneous

To all of the exes for my sweet amazing man…

Thank you. Thank you for the time you spent with my precious Thumper. He took something away from each one of you. He learned what he did want. He learned what he could and could not tolerate from women, children and people in general. He grew with each of you. He has never been perfect but I am sure looking back there were moments that were perfect. He was able to experience young love, fatherhood, romantic love, and so much more with you ladies. The man I live with today would not be who he is without your influence. Thank you for those experiences, good or bad, they have helped shape the man he has become.

I love this man. I cannot find words to express the things I feel with him. Happiness is one. Contentment. There is an ease in which we do things together. He is really my best friend, the person I want to tell everything. I am safe with him. I am calm, mostly colllected and he helps me to stay that way. Together we are grounded- we are each other’s rock.

Thank you exes because of you and the things that caused your one time heartbreak – my heart has healed and I have my incredible Thumper to thank for that. He and I together are a team and today I am grateful!! Much love and light to all!!

Jules

I have been on a journey all along. My primary reason for blogging at all was to share my life experiences so that others may know they are not alone in the good and bad they experience. I have glossed over some major details of my struggles because I did not feel it necessary at the time. 

Mothersense is me, it is my writing to the world to inform and perhaps entertain those who dare to read it at all. It is also an outlet for frustration and contemplation on situations. It is a therapeutic tool for me. 

At the end of September 2016, my wonderful exuberant daughter who continues to struggle with her bipolar and other disorders tried to kill herself in a very public way. The attempt was witnessed by many and praise the Lord she was not injured, others were able to intervene. She spent some time in a mental health facility after that. It was hard. She cried. I cried. Thumper stood by us all through this and was remarkably calm and supportive. (Have I mentioned how incredibly blessed I am to have this man? ) She came home to same rules, new meds, same school, and things are better. We all know that there will be other times because mental illness is life-long, but we also are reminded to take nothing for granted. 

Still blessed folks! Love and light!! 

Life is never always sunshine and roses. I am reminded of this as it is 38 flipping degrees outside and I am reporting to a job that is new and well a little scary because I haven’t had to work like this in many years. Being a stay at home mom was a nice gig but its time to cowboy up and do things that must be done. I may have found a new calling as a nurse. That is sort of my new job. Attending CNA training classes and considering furthering that later but for now let’s just see how this goes. 

What you may have been waiting for is an intro to the new things in life. What is it to be a working mom with my kids half grown and two of them pretty much flown from my nest. Well there is a whole mess of new in all of that. The new man is amazing and kind. He is learning patience and loving and generous to all around him. His heart is huge and for me there is so much I would love to share but I would rather not embarrass him with my gushing over all of his greatness. Although I will say he is very easy on the eyes! The new job is great. I have been learning quite a bit and it’s different than where I thought I would be at this stage but it is good. I have great co-workers and support in this new adventure. The house we live in even looks new!! New paint, new furniture, new fridge, its all quite cosmetic but it also reflects much deeper changes. The clutter is gone! It was cleaned out in July, a chore that sorely needed to be done and it was so liberating!! Dishes no longer stack up in the sink. There is no huge pile of laundry to attempt to tame. Order has been restored and I have to give thanks, to God for one because he blessed me with my children who have proven to be resilient and my dear sweet amazing man who keeps chugging along with me. This week we are 7 months into this huge transition and I have mever been happier. 

Change is hard!! BUT it can be beautiful!! Love and Light y’all!! 

Divorce is difficult, even when things are as amicable as possible.  Two happier homes for kiddos instead of one unhappy home.  Mind you unhappiness is not the only reason for divorce, at least not in my case, but it has been a factor.

What comes next is different for everyone. For my bunch it means siblings that were once always under one roof are now scattered.  Oldest son is in a different part of the state and seemingly happily married to a young lady that he is hoping to build a great life together.  I wish him the best as he currently does not really speak to me for anything.  Oldest daughter chose to live with her father in Kansas.  I respect their choices.  I applaud that they know their own mind enough to stick with their choices and face whatever may come.  Hopefully it shows my influence as a parent.  I love them.  I would love for them to be closer, but they aren’t and that is ok.  Which leaves me with the youngest 3 of my brood.  Kiddo 3 still has some emotional difficulties but she is leveling out and we are working in therapy to help her deal with all of the changes.  Logically she totally gets the divorce more than any of the kids, emotionally she is glad the chaos and turmoil are over but she misses her dad and older siblings.  Kiddo 4  is moody and somewhat sassy, she doesn’t speak much about how she feels but her grades are good, she doesn’t rage at me like others have and for that I am grateful.  Little man is a little trooper.  He misses his dad and sister but they talk through skype pretty regularly and he is doing great in school. There are moments I want to duct tape his mouth shut because he can be sooooo loud, but heck he is a kid and that is pretty much par for the course.

So now we get to what all of this really means.  I claimed my happiness and physical well being over that of anyone else.  I stood up for me and my children and decided that staying in a marriage that was not functional despite our best efforts was not the example I wanted my children to see.  I said enough late nights crying and fighting for something that I felt like the ONLY one fighting (FELT- my opinion) I still care about their father and wish him no harm, but we are much calmer and more centered since the split.  We both see clearly now that it is what it is.  We had a good run, it was not all bad and we still have to be parents so we will act like adults and mind our manners and take care of the kids.  In the months and years to come there will be adjustments and maybe even holidays where I don’t have kids underfoot and I am ok with that because no matter where my kids may travel, they are loved.  If they are with me, they will know love. If they are with their father, they will know love.  And hopefully they will not have to see any more ugly holiday arguments, and they will embrace the love no matter where they lay their heads.

As for me, the mom, the bad guy, the one who had the courage to call a spade a spade and walk away: I am still standing. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I have grieved the ending of what I once thought would be forever.  I have also moved on to a new life, a new chapter, a new man, a new job, a new calling.  Change is good people, it is hard, but it is good. And if you are still reading this I will tell you how amazing it is to embrace change and love and be loved and supported, even when you are a bundle of nerves and tears.

Many Thanks to my favorite Hooker and my beloved Thumper, for sticking with me and holding me up when I thought I would fall.

***EDIT*** My bestest friend told me to make sure that y’all know she is not an actual hooker, that is just a pet name we use for one another.  Oh and Thumper well he may never read this but his nickname brings to mind so many things: music, the character Thumper from Bambi that has NO FILTER and well a more adult spin but either way that is his nickname for the most part I typically only use it here and in private conversations.

Love and Light readers!!

Sept 8 2015
Today was the start of our homeschool co-op. Back to the “grind” so to speak but really it isn’t, it is just another day of routines. Except that on the night before I realized I had forgotten one of THE most important things I needed to handle…care for the hubs while we were out of the house for roughly 5 hours!! How did I forget such an important part of this new routine?? I just did. I frantically called my dear mother at 9:38 at night and asked if I could bring hubs over during the day tomorrow as the friend we would normally ask had another task he had to do. Well God’s grace washed over us because it all turned out ok. It worked out fine, but in that 15 minutes that I sat outside and bawled and felt so completely alone in this journey and like an utter failure for overlooking something that I should have KNOWN to take care of, I was miserable. I was miserable and alone and felt like I had let my husband down. (I hadn’t) AND I am not alone. I have people I encounter everyday via facebook or text and sometimes even in the Wal Mart parking lot that I speak to and I am happy to see and they are with me. They pray for me and my family. THEY are my village to whom I spead as much love and light as I can. Sometimes when I am physically alone I forget that so many are really THERE with me. We are in the trenches doing our damnedest to live our lives, and we may not speak every single day but we pray. We pray alone, in groups, in pairs, during Sunday service, we pray. And ladies and gentlemen it is only by the grace of God that I am still standing. Oh and that lovely email came, TANF was denied. We shall see how that works out for them because the reason we were denied assistance was asinine. I’ll get to that another day and another post. Tonight is about realizations.
I also realized tonight, as I did in fact encounter one of these Godly women in my village,that I have been delivered from so much pain in my past. I have overcome so many obstacles and that it wasn’t just ME who overcame, I had help. I had help from my mother who never has stopped praying for me. I had help from my sisters both blood and not who pray for me. I have had help from complete strangers who bless me with their prayers in groups and among those who see or hear about my journey. It is my journey y’all and Somedays almost want to give yp. I believe in miracles. I will walk this path and know that I am never alone, and neither are you! Love and light readers!! I am only a message away!