Category: This Life

Divorce is difficult, even when things are as amicable as possible.  Two happier homes for kiddos instead of one unhappy home.  Mind you unhappiness is not the only reason for divorce, at least not in my case, but it has been a factor.

What comes next is different for everyone. For my bunch it means siblings that were once always under one roof are now scattered.  Oldest son is in a different part of the state and seemingly happily married to a young lady that he is hoping to build a great life together.  I wish him the best as he currently does not really speak to me for anything.  Oldest daughter chose to live with her father in Kansas.  I respect their choices.  I applaud that they know their own mind enough to stick with their choices and face whatever may come.  Hopefully it shows my influence as a parent.  I love them.  I would love for them to be closer, but they aren’t and that is ok.  Which leaves me with the youngest 3 of my brood.  Kiddo 3 still has some emotional difficulties but she is leveling out and we are working in therapy to help her deal with all of the changes.  Logically she totally gets the divorce more than any of the kids, emotionally she is glad the chaos and turmoil are over but she misses her dad and older siblings.  Kiddo 4  is moody and somewhat sassy, she doesn’t speak much about how she feels but her grades are good, she doesn’t rage at me like others have and for that I am grateful.  Little man is a little trooper.  He misses his dad and sister but they talk through skype pretty regularly and he is doing great in school. There are moments I want to duct tape his mouth shut because he can be sooooo loud, but heck he is a kid and that is pretty much par for the course.

So now we get to what all of this really means.  I claimed my happiness and physical well being over that of anyone else.  I stood up for me and my children and decided that staying in a marriage that was not functional despite our best efforts was not the example I wanted my children to see.  I said enough late nights crying and fighting for something that I felt like the ONLY one fighting (FELT- my opinion) I still care about their father and wish him no harm, but we are much calmer and more centered since the split.  We both see clearly now that it is what it is.  We had a good run, it was not all bad and we still have to be parents so we will act like adults and mind our manners and take care of the kids.  In the months and years to come there will be adjustments and maybe even holidays where I don’t have kids underfoot and I am ok with that because no matter where my kids may travel, they are loved.  If they are with me, they will know love. If they are with their father, they will know love.  And hopefully they will not have to see any more ugly holiday arguments, and they will embrace the love no matter where they lay their heads.

As for me, the mom, the bad guy, the one who had the courage to call a spade a spade and walk away: I am still standing. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I have grieved the ending of what I once thought would be forever.  I have also moved on to a new life, a new chapter, a new man, a new job, a new calling.  Change is good people, it is hard, but it is good. And if you are still reading this I will tell you how amazing it is to embrace change and love and be loved and supported, even when you are a bundle of nerves and tears.

Many Thanks to my favorite Hooker and my beloved Thumper, for sticking with me and holding me up when I thought I would fall.

***EDIT*** My bestest friend told me to make sure that y’all know she is not an actual hooker, that is just a pet name we use for one another.  Oh and Thumper well he may never read this but his nickname brings to mind so many things: music, the character Thumper from Bambi that has NO FILTER and well a more adult spin but either way that is his nickname for the most part I typically only use it here and in private conversations.

Love and Light readers!!

Sept 8 2015
Today was the start of our homeschool co-op. Back to the “grind” so to speak but really it isn’t, it is just another day of routines. Except that on the night before I realized I had forgotten one of THE most important things I needed to handle…care for the hubs while we were out of the house for roughly 5 hours!! How did I forget such an important part of this new routine?? I just did. I frantically called my dear mother at 9:38 at night and asked if I could bring hubs over during the day tomorrow as the friend we would normally ask had another task he had to do. Well God’s grace washed over us because it all turned out ok. It worked out fine, but in that 15 minutes that I sat outside and bawled and felt so completely alone in this journey and like an utter failure for overlooking something that I should have KNOWN to take care of, I was miserable. I was miserable and alone and felt like I had let my husband down. (I hadn’t) AND I am not alone. I have people I encounter everyday via facebook or text and sometimes even in the Wal Mart parking lot that I speak to and I am happy to see and they are with me. They pray for me and my family. THEY are my village to whom I spead as much love and light as I can. Sometimes when I am physically alone I forget that so many are really THERE with me. We are in the trenches doing our damnedest to live our lives, and we may not speak every single day but we pray. We pray alone, in groups, in pairs, during Sunday service, we pray. And ladies and gentlemen it is only by the grace of God that I am still standing. Oh and that lovely email came, TANF was denied. We shall see how that works out for them because the reason we were denied assistance was asinine. I’ll get to that another day and another post. Tonight is about realizations.
I also realized tonight, as I did in fact encounter one of these Godly women in my village,that I have been delivered from so much pain in my past. I have overcome so many obstacles and that it wasn’t just ME who overcame, I had help. I had help from my mother who never has stopped praying for me. I had help from my sisters both blood and not who pray for me. I have had help from complete strangers who bless me with their prayers in groups and among those who see or hear about my journey. It is my journey y’all and Somedays almost want to give yp. I believe in miracles. I will walk this path and know that I am never alone, and neither are you! Love and light readers!! I am only a message away!

I am divorcing my disabled husband. It’s not what you think, the difficulties were there for years and we refused to face them. In order to move forward for myself and my children I did have to face them. I had to be ok both physically and emotionally. No more throwing myself into a project or spending hours away from the issues. 

So I sat down with my husband and we had a very difficult discussion. It took time for it all to sink in with him but we agree for the most part. Our marriage is over, it has been for a few years. We were making one another miserable and we had tried counseling, techniques, but the reality was: it was over. Without hashing out the down and dirty we are both dealing with it all in our own way. The kids are adjusting. I hope he finds a way to heal himself and be a good dad. I hope my children will one day understand that I never once made this decision lightly. It took me years to gather the courage to speak the words “I want a divorce”

Now we deal with making arrangemnets and  adjustments for different things. Ex and oldest daughter are living in a different state. Oldest son is living with his new wife as of March. I have DD2 and DD3 as well as Baby boy at home with me and my new man. (That is a tale for another day) and we are doing well. 

Love and light folks!! Life is just too darn short! 

Initially months ago, I had posts ready and just pop in a post them and go about my day. Now if you have seen the gap, you can tell that did not happen. Technology, both a burden and a blessing.

What I have been doing is working to help get a non profit organization off the ground. Months of working with horses, from basic needs to learning vet care/first aid for them. And now I’m not. The decision has been painful. I love the horses. I love helping horses and I believe in the original mission of the organization, but somewhere things went awry and I had to realign my priorities. You see horses are therapy for my family. From the house fire in ’06, to the disturbances of ’13, to coping with our new normal in ’16, and everything in between; horses have been our safe place. They still are, we have 10 of our own. I just will not be working with the organization in the capacity that I once was. My role, if I still have one, will be much much smaller. I am okay with that. I need to focus on my family and all of the changes we are facing.
Now that we all know what I have been doing. Let’s focus on today!!
Love and light y’all! {MUAH} big hugs

Folks! I tend to follow my passions and not always with the best results but always wholeheartedly and with everything I have got. With that said, there comes a time when you make choices. You follow your heart. You follow your gut and you get down to the real and the right now. I have made some adjustments over the last few weeks and while I have had to let go of some things that were weighing on me and embrace a new “normal” for my family. I have also faced that some people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I knew this, it isn’t news to me but every stinking time I part ways with folks that were big deals for awhile, well it stings. I don’t love any of these folks any less than before, but I feel their role has concluded for now. Sometimes they come back, other times its a swan song and we move forward because time stops for no one.

If you have read any of my previous posts you know I am in a transitional period in life. My husband is no longer able to work. We don’t now why he is in such pain. (still!) I am mom to 5 kids and they are ALL back home now. Big fella bounced back from trade school a little jaded and well, he’s home now. I home school the other 4 and they do pretty well even though I am probably biased. I take care of my husband, home, kids, horses, all sorts of stuff. And this is my outlet, sort of: I started blogging to keep a record of what was happening with my family’s journey dealing with my DD2’s mental health issues and just being who we are. Now I hope its just a sort of chronicle for someone out there to see they aren’t alone.

For as long as I can remember I loved helping people. I originally went to college in the 1990s to become a psychiatrist and was discouraged by a counselor because of my GPA. (eye roll). I am now firmly 40 and I am not a licensed anything, ok well I am a licensed driver! 😉 I still love to help people and I do this in various ways. 1) I am a Younique presenter and it has been a completely uplifting experience!! 2)I am still working towards becoming an LPC in TX!! 3) I have considered becoming a life coach, which is really saying that I want to get paid to help people figure out their lives because lets face it, we are all pretty good at figuring out others problems. 😀

I’ll keep updating and do a more expanded post soon concerning the medical mumbo jumbo. In the meantime, prayers appreciated friends, the road is long and this momma is signing off. Love and Light y’all!!